Sometimes

I want to write something that I find deep. I want to pour out my soul. I want to push the limits of my emotions, how far can I feel without breaking and having to retreat. I want to focus solely on my career. I want to focus solely on giving it all up and just move to Japan or something. I want to just lose myself in anime, manga, or other things cause the world is just so... overwhelming. I want to just cook for others and see them smile. I want to feel needed. I want to feel useful. I want to live to my full ability.

And sometimes... I want to blog. But nothing comes out. I write, and delete. Write and delete. Because nothing is capturing my thoughts quite the way I want.

Being at home is weird. Seeing my room again. Sitting on my bed. Nostalgia.

My brother is a clutz. He's a brat at times. But he's really a good kid in ways I can never be. He enjoys people and sharing in ways that I just can't relate to. And I love him.

Wow, I think my heart is just heavy with things. Work, future, relationships, family, friends. I feel like I'm losing some part of my introspectiveness... I want to gain it back. I want to understand myself. I want to see myself as a kid haha. I want to see what I was like. Was I a happy go lucky child? Did I work harder? Did I love more?

Sigh words just fail to capture the many things going around and around and around. Sleep I love you, but lately I've been avoiding you. I wonder why.

Haha this is just like vomit. Random chunks from the day still exist partially digested, but not fully digested. But all in one big mess. Haha. At least the blog post doesn't smell.


Edit:
I want to find my place in the world. I don't think I've found one still. Granted the only real place/home is Heaven. 

Zoos

So my family came to Williamsburg for Thanksgiving, which was different and not that bad. It meant I slept on a couch bed, but that's like any other family vacation.

We went to Busch Gardens for their Christmas Town, which is quite impressive. They decorate everything with Christmas decorations, and it's almost like a different theme park. Overall cute, and well designed to get dem moneys.

That being said, one thing struck me really hard. They have a mini zoo with bald eagles, owls, and wolves.

In part I was in awe that I got to see these animals. Mainly the wolves. Wolves have some kind of regal, raw nature kind of beauty in my mind.

But the eagles had a plaque describing each one was damaged either by humans or nature, and would be kept there until death. I saw a bunch of flashes from cameras bombarding them, and part of me wanted to cry on their behalf.

The wolves were near the Ireland part of Busch Gardens, and the wolves of Ireland are said to be completely wiped out by man.

The animals had just become our exhibits, our toys. Robbed of the dignity of their own lives, robbed of their homes. I wonder if the eagles would have preferred death to this kind of life. If I were them and I think I might have chosen death. Both of them had been forced into this role that took them away from their pure form and replaced it with a human construct.

Man I'm struggling to place why... but it hurt me. How much more damage will we humans cause? What was the cost of everything that I'm using? The exhibits that I've seen? The knowledge that I've gained?

Bah... I also realized something cool. In case you guys didn't know, I really like nice things. I like it when things are done to the best of their ability. And in Heaven... there will be perfection. Goods will be nice. The coolest of technologies that we have now, will be made without destroying creation. We will all have access to the gifts of man's mind un-resetrained by sin. haha... I can't even imagine all the cool things that will exist.

And even cooler than all these cool or useful or just well designed items, will be the Lord. Present among us.

So much cooler, and so unrestrained by the things that hold us back now. I don't think there's more that needs to be said about that besides... Awesome sauce.

Gasp/Sigh

So the stress of job searching begins anew, this time in more earnest then when I half heartedly tried to apply earlier in the year.

Prayers and any knowledge of positions are greatly appreciated.

On a side note, something I heard recently from NP that hit me pretty hard.

Purity is not the same as innocence. You could lock someone up for ever, never expose them to anything bad, and they would be innocent. But they wouldn't be pure.

Purity in God's eyes requires refinement. It involves going through trials and just times of questioning, continuing to cling to Him, and ultimately becoming more Christlike.

(He actually said locking up your girlfriend, but he can have a slightly weird way of expressing things.)

But seriously words of wisdom right there.

Long time no post

It's been forever since I last posted crazy... I feel like there are times when I would do this religiously.

I feel like many things have changed in my life, and many things haven't changed.

I feel so out of touch as I write this. Can everything just pour out like it used to? This used to be my place of safety. I could post almost anything I wanted and not worry. Is this a sign of age? Sigh...

And so I tentatively/sheepishly write on. I feel like sometimes I need sadness. It reminds me of where I used to be/what I still am/what I am striving to constantly turn away from. And when I say sadness, I mean a gut wrenching gahhh sadness that threatens to cause disarray in functioning (hyperbole, Yes). Something that shatters the frameworks and safety walls I've established in my mind and heart, and just crashes down.

Probably because I get lax in those constructs that start out with attempts to honor God and frame things in His eyes, and they became frameworks of safety to keep me alive. They become selfish sayings/judgements/overlooking of things instead of reminds to hope in and trust in an everlasting God. And simply because my nature is quite emotional. I've just strived to distance myself from them as I've continued to grow in life. Emotions can be good and terrible.

And when everything crashes I can let go of things that I thought I let go of but realize I hadn't. Or at least begin that process.

For example: I really don't have that many friendships. And I'm terrible at keeping them. When I say many, let's concretely define this. Many of the friendships I thought I made in college, have all but withered and died or become alienated/superficial. Does this sadden me? Greatly. Should it frame my thoughts and how I view people? No. Has it or does it? Yes, but hopefully moving towards no. And you can justify it with so many reasons and reason it out, but like I said emotions sometimes need to destroy all those barricades of reason so that you can finally breathe in and out. It's like flood waters they rise, and they recede.

And in the wake of everything, I'm like wow God. Beauty in the broken. Thanks for loving me enough to let me catch a glimpse of life beyond the sadness, thanks for reminding me of how You view things (at least I grasp a small element of it). And I start to construct walls again, but this time allow channels for emotions to well up and flow but in a more controlled manner. I don't build so much as learn to somehow utilize everything for better. Or at least I try. And hopefully each time it gets better and more spirit led. Hopefully... I can turn to God like a little kid and smile and try again, like kids often do. Because I know that ultimately He's looking over me with love. I'm sure righteously anger at times and sad and frustrated, but ultimately with love. Thank you Jesus.

Yes, the metaphor is terrible and could be reworked better. In fact I'm tempted to do so. Go through and edit everything to make it prettier and neater. But why do that? haha.

Dang... I really missed this.

The power of the body

GCF had spring retreat this past weekend. Although I'm older than I was in college, I was surprised by how well my body stuck it out (yes I know I'm not that old in the grand scheme of things, but compared to a first year?). I think a lot of it is attributed to the 1/2 cup to 1 cup of coffee I drank each day. But seriously, I only felt really drowsy once and that was when I was driving back.

In my head, I could only wonder what the limits of the human body really are (although I know caffeine definitely helped). I'm sure they are far behind what I consider to be the limits. And even as I tried to sleep yesterday, I could feel my body and my mind alighting from though to thought. And then I woke up today, and felt groggy, exhausted, and a little sick. Maybe I was at my limits then? haha.

But in all honesty the retreat was good. Being reminded of the depth of the Word, how there's always more to learn and search for is always awesome. It reminds me that it doesn't really make sense for me to worry, if I'll be super bored in Heaven, among other things of course.

The thing that shown forth the brightest was simply the power of the Cross. I think Trinity is wonderful because the senior pastor has a beautiful vision of unity in the Church and integration of the Church into community. But a lot of it is wrapped up in more application than just Jesus, which is wonderful and necessary. I just think I needed to be reminded more powerfully of why I care. Why I struggle. Why I live. That and having no phone reception/and just being standing out in nature where the only sounds were a babbling brook as I stared at the stars... were just humbling and calming. Praise God.

The saddest thing for me was when I got home, and I was just reminded of the joy of living with friends and being close enough to people to just walk over and hang out with them. Days like that will never really return, and that honestly makes me sad. Yes, you can say, but aren't you glad you had those days, etc. But in the end, there is a pang of sadness.

One thing I didn't worry about in college.

I miss blogging actually. I think in part because it forces me to write out thoughts that I leave stewing on my head.

But seriously, one thing I didn't worry about in college was hearing people have sex in neighboring rooms or apartments. That is no longer true.

I heard my roommates having sex one time, and I was like what.... back to headphones in. I also normally sleep with earplugs in when they're in town, so it's probably happened before, I was just asleep already. At least they are quiet.

The sound proofing is really bad at my place, and when the people below have sex (and they're somewhat loud) I can hear them.

The first time, I was genuinely shocked lol.

I guess, yay for healthy marriage (my roommates), and earplugs.



I also had a vivid dream about holding and using the beautiful Fujifilm X-T1. I wonder if it's time to leave Canon....