It's been forever since I last posted crazy... I feel like there are times when I would do this religiously.
I feel like many things have changed in my life, and many things haven't changed.
I feel so out of touch as I write this. Can everything just pour out like it used to? This used to be my place of safety. I could post almost anything I wanted and not worry. Is this a sign of age? Sigh...
And so I tentatively/sheepishly write on. I feel like sometimes I need sadness. It reminds me of where I used to be/what I still am/what I am striving to constantly turn away from. And when I say sadness, I mean a gut wrenching gahhh sadness that threatens to cause disarray in functioning (hyperbole, Yes). Something that shatters the frameworks and safety walls I've established in my mind and heart, and just crashes down.
Probably because I get lax in those constructs that start out with attempts to honor God and frame things in His eyes, and they became frameworks of safety to keep me alive. They become selfish sayings/judgements/overlooking of things instead of reminds to hope in and trust in an everlasting God. And simply because my nature is quite emotional. I've just strived to distance myself from them as I've continued to grow in life. Emotions can be good and terrible.
And when everything crashes I can let go of things that I thought I let go of but realize I hadn't. Or at least begin that process.
For example: I really don't have that many friendships. And I'm terrible at keeping them. When I say many, let's concretely define this. Many of the friendships I thought I made in college, have all but withered and died or become alienated/superficial. Does this sadden me? Greatly. Should it frame my thoughts and how I view people? No. Has it or does it? Yes, but hopefully moving towards no. And you can justify it with so many reasons and reason it out, but like I said emotions sometimes need to destroy all those barricades of reason so that you can finally breathe in and out. It's like flood waters they rise, and they recede.
And in the wake of everything, I'm like wow God. Beauty in the broken. Thanks for loving me enough to let me catch a glimpse of life beyond the sadness, thanks for reminding me of how You view things (at least I grasp a small element of it). And I start to construct walls again, but this time allow channels for emotions to well up and flow but in a more controlled manner. I don't build so much as learn to somehow utilize everything for better. Or at least I try. And hopefully each time it gets better and more spirit led. Hopefully... I can turn to God like a little kid and smile and try again, like kids often do. Because I know that ultimately He's looking over me with love. I'm sure righteously anger at times and sad and frustrated, but ultimately with love. Thank you Jesus.
Yes, the metaphor is terrible and could be reworked better. In fact I'm tempted to do so. Go through and edit everything to make it prettier and neater. But why do that? haha.
Dang... I really missed this.
