Sometimes

I want to write something that I find deep. I want to pour out my soul. I want to push the limits of my emotions, how far can I feel without breaking and having to retreat. I want to focus solely on my career. I want to focus solely on giving it all up and just move to Japan or something. I want to just lose myself in anime, manga, or other things cause the world is just so... overwhelming. I want to just cook for others and see them smile. I want to feel needed. I want to feel useful. I want to live to my full ability.

And sometimes... I want to blog. But nothing comes out. I write, and delete. Write and delete. Because nothing is capturing my thoughts quite the way I want.

Being at home is weird. Seeing my room again. Sitting on my bed. Nostalgia.

My brother is a clutz. He's a brat at times. But he's really a good kid in ways I can never be. He enjoys people and sharing in ways that I just can't relate to. And I love him.

Wow, I think my heart is just heavy with things. Work, future, relationships, family, friends. I feel like I'm losing some part of my introspectiveness... I want to gain it back. I want to understand myself. I want to see myself as a kid haha. I want to see what I was like. Was I a happy go lucky child? Did I work harder? Did I love more?

Sigh words just fail to capture the many things going around and around and around. Sleep I love you, but lately I've been avoiding you. I wonder why.

Haha this is just like vomit. Random chunks from the day still exist partially digested, but not fully digested. But all in one big mess. Haha. At least the blog post doesn't smell.


Edit:
I want to find my place in the world. I don't think I've found one still. Granted the only real place/home is Heaven.