Hate my job

I'm spoiled. I think that's why I hate my job. I want to be respected. I want to be appreciated. I want to do meaningful things. But every time you switch, you start out having to prove yourself again. I've gone through a logistical nightmare (slight exaggeration) where the ball has just been dropped in many ways. People forget I'm starting. People not doing what they say they will. False information given about orientation. But... I still have a job. I'm still getting paid. It's just not what I want. I want something more interesting, where I learn and am challenged and grow.

But not getting what you want is not the end of the world. The millennial lie of always doing what's most fulfilling. In some ways, it's appreciate what you have. Like really appreciate it. Like really really appreciate it.

And death is not the end of the world, which I just found out is the realistic outcome of someone I know who's going through cancer. Death for believers is not the end. Praise God for Heaven. But the pain of the family left behind... that's hard... that's heavy. The pain of people suffering... that's also real.

I can't right now.

I want to create beauty

Legit... I do. I want to be involved, I want to live, I want to fight... for things that matter. I want to touch souls... I hope it's not an ego thing, which I'm sure in some ways it is... but hopefully more is not that, there's just so much need in this world. And so much beauty.

I know I'm late cause this song has been out for a while, but this is a reminder that music can be so magical, so powerful, can reach across so many boundaries, gah. This was me for so long haha. I mean even today, but praise God I know Him now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0lw3qylVfY

Clinging to Goodness

Clinging to goodness is such a hard thing at times.

Do you mourn for others? I couldn't stop crying as I listened to It is Well by Bethel yesterday. Haha I'm so glad I'm working remotely.

It just broke me. It reminded me that there's so much going on this world. And I'm so wrapped up in fear, sadness, ignorance. I build up walls so I can't see it or so I only see part of it. Because it's so terrifying.

So terrifying. Hatred of others for no reason embedded in our selves. Oppressive regimes. Oppressive systems. Anger, rape, drugs, so many things that just continue and continue. People die without knowing Jesus, Churches acting unjustly, and it goes on and on and on.

And yet this songs declares it is well. But is it though? My heart can sing it, only half-heartedly mutter it because... I can't say it is well. I can't... I can only hope to say it. Praise God who makes all things possible. Who will one day end the cycle of suffering and rescue His people. Praise God for who He is.