De-cluttering

We went to my parent's home this past weekend, and went through a bin of stuff that my mom had set aside for me. And I was affected/drained/impacted far more than I expected. From sunshine buddy at spring retreat, to random class event notes, to birthday cards so much. And it evoked so many feelings. I think a lot of feelings that I haven't felt for a while. Nostalgia. Happiness. Sadness. Just a roller coaster.

And then I listened to the song on my last post and I was like whoah haha. I dunno everything hit hard. That's the only way I can put it. 

I gained a lot of friends. Lost a lot of friends. Questioned a lot of things. And then I started working. I honestly think working is the biggest drain on self-exploration. I've been focused on what to learn, how to get ahead, what I find interesting from a career perspective all related to work. How to make more money, how to get promoted, how to handle finances to hopefully retire early. Whereas in college I genuinely thought my life would end up differently. It's funny how different things are. It makes me question where I currently am in a lot of ways. I kind of feel like my hobbies are just ways to pass time. And then one day I'll be able to retire. But is retirement everything? To be fair, when I say retire, I'm thinking more in terms of doing a more meaningful job like working for a non-profit than trying to work a job that combines interest with a good pay check.

But regardless, I feel a strong disconnect with my college self. And I wonder if I'm happy or sad about it.

Continuing the theme of disconnects, my mom (I'm guessing strategically) placed photos of ye old times when the original nuclear family was together. And it is very weird to see it. I want to know what they thought back then. What drove them to come together and then ultimately what drove them apart. Although I guess I know what drove them apart. But seeing those photos made me really wish I could remember life back then. Was I happier or was it worse? And it made me wonder do I even really want to think about it.

I came back to NOVA and played video games with some friends, and it kind of just numbed me again. Or distracted? Or brought me back to reality? I'm not sure which is the truth. I was about to spiral into this abyss of introspection and doubt and criticism much like days of old, and the distraction of games helped prevent that from happening. And the cuddliness of cats who missed me. But is that ideal or not? I honestly don't know. I started this blog so full of passion and energy only for it to dwindle after some games. And I don't know what's better. Am I addicted to the drama or is the reality and practicality of life better? Are they even at two opposite ends of each other? I don't know. All I know is, going through those cards and again and photos I brought up might spark something. But I don't know how to feel about it.

Lots of rambling to say, college was a tumultuous time. I would argue a formative and good time, but definitely tumultuous. And I'm no longer in tumultuous times for the most part. But am I happy now? Am I satisfied now? Do I think I'm on the right track? Or more properly, am I on the track that I believe that God has laid out for me? Am I following His nudges and His directions? I have no idea. All I know is that there is a lot of stuff that just has to be done everyday, and finally finishing them means I want to take a break. And then the day is over only to be repeated.

Music

One of my fav things.

Also something that makes me sad too. Today one of the kids at LL was sharing me music that she likes to listen to. And I was like dude, you all love music, let me try and connect with you over it. A lot of the artists are local people, real local as in from P Gardens and just the DMV area., which is really cool. But dude... their song content... is not it. And all these kids listen to them. Look up to them in some ways. Legit, heartbreaking.

Hate my job

I'm spoiled. I think that's why I hate my job. I want to be respected. I want to be appreciated. I want to do meaningful things. But every time you switch, you start out having to prove yourself again. I've gone through a logistical nightmare (slight exaggeration) where the ball has just been dropped in many ways. People forget I'm starting. People not doing what they say they will. False information given about orientation. But... I still have a job. I'm still getting paid. It's just not what I want. I want something more interesting, where I learn and am challenged and grow.

But not getting what you want is not the end of the world. The millennial lie of always doing what's most fulfilling. In some ways, it's appreciate what you have. Like really appreciate it. Like really really appreciate it.

And death is not the end of the world, which I just found out is the realistic outcome of someone I know who's going through cancer. Death for believers is not the end. Praise God for Heaven. But the pain of the family left behind... that's hard... that's heavy. The pain of people suffering... that's also real.

I can't right now.

I want to create beauty

Legit... I do. I want to be involved, I want to live, I want to fight... for things that matter. I want to touch souls... I hope it's not an ego thing, which I'm sure in some ways it is... but hopefully more is not that, there's just so much need in this world. And so much beauty.

I know I'm late cause this song has been out for a while, but this is a reminder that music can be so magical, so powerful, can reach across so many boundaries, gah. This was me for so long haha. I mean even today, but praise God I know Him now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0lw3qylVfY

Clinging to Goodness

Clinging to goodness is such a hard thing at times.

Do you mourn for others? I couldn't stop crying as I listened to It is Well by Bethel yesterday. Haha I'm so glad I'm working remotely.

It just broke me. It reminded me that there's so much going on this world. And I'm so wrapped up in fear, sadness, ignorance. I build up walls so I can't see it or so I only see part of it. Because it's so terrifying.

So terrifying. Hatred of others for no reason embedded in our selves. Oppressive regimes. Oppressive systems. Anger, rape, drugs, so many things that just continue and continue. People die without knowing Jesus, Churches acting unjustly, and it goes on and on and on.

And yet this songs declares it is well. But is it though? My heart can sing it, only half-heartedly mutter it because... I can't say it is well. I can't... I can only hope to say it. Praise God who makes all things possible. Who will one day end the cycle of suffering and rescue His people. Praise God for who He is.

Sometimes

I want to write something that I find deep. I want to pour out my soul. I want to push the limits of my emotions, how far can I feel without breaking and having to retreat. I want to focus solely on my career. I want to focus solely on giving it all up and just move to Japan or something. I want to just lose myself in anime, manga, or other things cause the world is just so... overwhelming. I want to just cook for others and see them smile. I want to feel needed. I want to feel useful. I want to live to my full ability.

And sometimes... I want to blog. But nothing comes out. I write, and delete. Write and delete. Because nothing is capturing my thoughts quite the way I want.

Being at home is weird. Seeing my room again. Sitting on my bed. Nostalgia.

My brother is a clutz. He's a brat at times. But he's really a good kid in ways I can never be. He enjoys people and sharing in ways that I just can't relate to. And I love him.

Wow, I think my heart is just heavy with things. Work, future, relationships, family, friends. I feel like I'm losing some part of my introspectiveness... I want to gain it back. I want to understand myself. I want to see myself as a kid haha. I want to see what I was like. Was I a happy go lucky child? Did I work harder? Did I love more?

Sigh words just fail to capture the many things going around and around and around. Sleep I love you, but lately I've been avoiding you. I wonder why.

Haha this is just like vomit. Random chunks from the day still exist partially digested, but not fully digested. But all in one big mess. Haha. At least the blog post doesn't smell.


Edit:
I want to find my place in the world. I don't think I've found one still. Granted the only real place/home is Heaven. 

Zoos

So my family came to Williamsburg for Thanksgiving, which was different and not that bad. It meant I slept on a couch bed, but that's like any other family vacation.

We went to Busch Gardens for their Christmas Town, which is quite impressive. They decorate everything with Christmas decorations, and it's almost like a different theme park. Overall cute, and well designed to get dem moneys.

That being said, one thing struck me really hard. They have a mini zoo with bald eagles, owls, and wolves.

In part I was in awe that I got to see these animals. Mainly the wolves. Wolves have some kind of regal, raw nature kind of beauty in my mind.

But the eagles had a plaque describing each one was damaged either by humans or nature, and would be kept there until death. I saw a bunch of flashes from cameras bombarding them, and part of me wanted to cry on their behalf.

The wolves were near the Ireland part of Busch Gardens, and the wolves of Ireland are said to be completely wiped out by man.

The animals had just become our exhibits, our toys. Robbed of the dignity of their own lives, robbed of their homes. I wonder if the eagles would have preferred death to this kind of life. If I were them and I think I might have chosen death. Both of them had been forced into this role that took them away from their pure form and replaced it with a human construct.

Man I'm struggling to place why... but it hurt me. How much more damage will we humans cause? What was the cost of everything that I'm using? The exhibits that I've seen? The knowledge that I've gained?

Bah... I also realized something cool. In case you guys didn't know, I really like nice things. I like it when things are done to the best of their ability. And in Heaven... there will be perfection. Goods will be nice. The coolest of technologies that we have now, will be made without destroying creation. We will all have access to the gifts of man's mind un-resetrained by sin. haha... I can't even imagine all the cool things that will exist.

And even cooler than all these cool or useful or just well designed items, will be the Lord. Present among us.

So much cooler, and so unrestrained by the things that hold us back now. I don't think there's more that needs to be said about that besides... Awesome sauce.