De-cluttering

We went to my parent's home this past weekend, and went through a bin of stuff that my mom had set aside for me. And I was affected/drained/impacted far more than I expected. From sunshine buddy at spring retreat, to random class event notes, to birthday cards so much. And it evoked so many feelings. I think a lot of feelings that I haven't felt for a while. Nostalgia. Happiness. Sadness. Just a roller coaster.

And then I listened to the song on my last post and I was like whoah haha. I dunno everything hit hard. That's the only way I can put it. 

I gained a lot of friends. Lost a lot of friends. Questioned a lot of things. And then I started working. I honestly think working is the biggest drain on self-exploration. I've been focused on what to learn, how to get ahead, what I find interesting from a career perspective all related to work. How to make more money, how to get promoted, how to handle finances to hopefully retire early. Whereas in college I genuinely thought my life would end up differently. It's funny how different things are. It makes me question where I currently am in a lot of ways. I kind of feel like my hobbies are just ways to pass time. And then one day I'll be able to retire. But is retirement everything? To be fair, when I say retire, I'm thinking more in terms of doing a more meaningful job like working for a non-profit than trying to work a job that combines interest with a good pay check.

But regardless, I feel a strong disconnect with my college self. And I wonder if I'm happy or sad about it.

Continuing the theme of disconnects, my mom (I'm guessing strategically) placed photos of ye old times when the original nuclear family was together. And it is very weird to see it. I want to know what they thought back then. What drove them to come together and then ultimately what drove them apart. Although I guess I know what drove them apart. But seeing those photos made me really wish I could remember life back then. Was I happier or was it worse? And it made me wonder do I even really want to think about it.

I came back to NOVA and played video games with some friends, and it kind of just numbed me again. Or distracted? Or brought me back to reality? I'm not sure which is the truth. I was about to spiral into this abyss of introspection and doubt and criticism much like days of old, and the distraction of games helped prevent that from happening. And the cuddliness of cats who missed me. But is that ideal or not? I honestly don't know. I started this blog so full of passion and energy only for it to dwindle after some games. And I don't know what's better. Am I addicted to the drama or is the reality and practicality of life better? Are they even at two opposite ends of each other? I don't know. All I know is, going through those cards and again and photos I brought up might spark something. But I don't know how to feel about it.

Lots of rambling to say, college was a tumultuous time. I would argue a formative and good time, but definitely tumultuous. And I'm no longer in tumultuous times for the most part. But am I happy now? Am I satisfied now? Do I think I'm on the right track? Or more properly, am I on the track that I believe that God has laid out for me? Am I following His nudges and His directions? I have no idea. All I know is that there is a lot of stuff that just has to be done everyday, and finally finishing them means I want to take a break. And then the day is over only to be repeated.