http://forreyfilms.com/blog/2014/4/25/ballerinas-muscle-cars-and-ice-cream-trucks
So freaking cute.
One of the best compliments I heard, was IO saying you got a little bigger I can tell. Inwardly I fist pumped like no other haha. Finally 2-3 months of working out starting to pay off. Like you have no idea... finally the road to slowly not being the super small guy is paying off. Legooooooo haha. Small victory on a road that seems to never end.
But that being said... time keeps on flowing. And next thursday I will be out of this country baby. Flying halfway around the world to a new land. Japan, Manila, Hong Kong, Manila, Boracay, Manila, home. That's more or less my agenda. Weekends are for travel and the other days are for working that night shift... which will probably wreck me. Oh well.
Also this was my last sys theo gathering today... so weird. Is it time for me to move out of C'ville now? I mean I should work at least for another month after I get back because you know... they covered everything. But I should probably start looking after that. Which is weird cause like I should probably decide on living situation. Who will I live with etc.... cause if I stay, I'd like to have it settled. But if I'm leaving, I don't want to get locked into a contract... ahhhh so many complications. Sigh... maybe I should just stay? But I really... don't want to. Too many complications guys...
Many updates to come, but this is exciting stuff guys. Exciting stuff. Let me know if you want a postcard!!!!
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Part 2: Family
Once again disclaimer, I've talked about parts of this before.
Family. I come from a broken family. A dysfunctional one for all intents and purposes. Divorced while I was super young, and not a good divorce. An ugly one. Very ugly. Bad mouthed the other whenever I was present. Argued with each other. And I just had to grow up in it all. Both mother and father very poor, essentially poverty, although not anymore.
Now I'm blessed through the poverty aspect because while my mother would go hungry raising me, she never let me go hungry. She's done so many things for me. You insult my mother, you can be sure that I might have an image of me beating the crap out of you flash through my mind. :) At least now I would.
Growing up...non-related insecurities aside, I hated my family. I really did. I was jealous of kids that had unity. Even after my mom re-married she would constantly argue and scream at him, and vice versa, though mainly her. But I wanted to say yup, I have a mom and dad to everyone. Not just a mom (although as a kid you don't notice that too much). But I hated to say ya, that's my step-dad. It was a mark of imperfection. Don't get me wrong, I love my step-father, but during that time half of me felt like I was betraying my biological dad. And to all the kids... I felt like when I shared, I was a child of divorced parents there was that sense of being lesser. Or adults would give me that slightly different, oh poor thing look.
And my step-dad is white, which you know causes all kinds of weird things, and I have a white last name. So the question is are you half? You don't look half. Or I'd tell everyone oh ya I have a mom and dad. And they'd be like wait... your dad's white? And I'd be like well he's really my step-dad... haha. Do you know how frustrating it can be to deal with a question of why's your last name Merling? Well my dad was adopted. But I saw your dad... and he's white? Oh well, so that's my step-dad cause cause my family divorced. But my biological dad was adopted from Korea at a young age... to which I hear ohhhhh. Cause what else can you say after that? haha. But I didn't feel like being stereotyped as the divorced kid or the fact that I have a complicated family, so I thought I'd keep it simple for you. Plus people always feel bad about bringing up the fact that I'm a child of divorced parents... and I'm just like look, now I feel awkward cause you feel awkward. Honestly if you ask me it doesn't bother me at all to share. It's just really annoying that people feel awkward once they hear haha.
But I digress these are minor points in the big story. I hated my family. I couldn't wait to move out and be on my own. In fact... I sincerely viewed them as more or less pieces of society that fed and clothed me. Nothing more. And I hated having to share about my family. I hated family.
Follow that with a falling out with my dad. Increased fighting with my mother and step-father as I tried to figure out who I was. Threats to get kicked out of my family... and during college I was like... my biggest goal in life? Not to be like my parents. And I very sincerely would pray this. I wanted to be nothing like them.
Haha... I was a terrible son. I still am, but I think I'm better than I was. Cause what's different now is, I love my family. I love my mother, my step-father, and even my biological father. I learned more about all of them. They learned and became more accepting of me. But in reality what created the change was God. My mother and step-father have changed drastically. From the me who would want to cover my brother's ears and hold his hand to let him know that he's loved (because I felt like I needed that growing up), and that our parents are really happier than what you see, to the me who smiles and knows my brother will grow up wonderfully. You have no idea... I was really scared my brother would become jaded like I was about family, so far it seems like he's everything I could hope and pray for and more :)
And I completely forgot to talk about my brother haha. I... love him so much. He's one of the biggest reasons why I don't want to move out of the state yet because I want to see him more. He still misses me being home, and yes I cry a little whenever I leave home. No shame. He's freaking adorable. Haha.
But that's weird right? The tears now, are tears of joy and love. Love that I feel towards them and love that I receive. As opposed to the utter disgust and contempt I used to hold. Tears would of self-pity that I would drown myself in.
The hatred of family that bled over into my relationship with God, my inability to really appreciate God as Father, and even when I thought I did... I realize I didn't understand. Not that I understand completely now either, but progress has been made.
Family... something I have learned to love and treasure. And now when I see little kids with parents I smile haha.
But yes. Two biggest areas in my life that God has redeemed. My life and my family/concept of family. If I ever need confirmation of God's goodness, and I can't recognize the everyday blessings, I can always recognize these.
Also: I've told my parents, including my biological dad, about my desires to go into seminary and ministry in the future. My parents are accepting and willing to help support in small ways :). My dad is respecting. He asked me how do you when or even if you should (cause he was curious)? And to be honest I don't have any huge things that will make me go, "Aha, now is the time!" short of an audible voice of God. So I told him, I'm sure that if God does not want me to, it won't work out in the end. And he nodded, saying, "I see." haha. Just a funny/interesting story to me. Peace out chingoos.
Family. I come from a broken family. A dysfunctional one for all intents and purposes. Divorced while I was super young, and not a good divorce. An ugly one. Very ugly. Bad mouthed the other whenever I was present. Argued with each other. And I just had to grow up in it all. Both mother and father very poor, essentially poverty, although not anymore.
Now I'm blessed through the poverty aspect because while my mother would go hungry raising me, she never let me go hungry. She's done so many things for me. You insult my mother, you can be sure that I might have an image of me beating the crap out of you flash through my mind. :) At least now I would.
Growing up...non-related insecurities aside, I hated my family. I really did. I was jealous of kids that had unity. Even after my mom re-married she would constantly argue and scream at him, and vice versa, though mainly her. But I wanted to say yup, I have a mom and dad to everyone. Not just a mom (although as a kid you don't notice that too much). But I hated to say ya, that's my step-dad. It was a mark of imperfection. Don't get me wrong, I love my step-father, but during that time half of me felt like I was betraying my biological dad. And to all the kids... I felt like when I shared, I was a child of divorced parents there was that sense of being lesser. Or adults would give me that slightly different, oh poor thing look.
And my step-dad is white, which you know causes all kinds of weird things, and I have a white last name. So the question is are you half? You don't look half. Or I'd tell everyone oh ya I have a mom and dad. And they'd be like wait... your dad's white? And I'd be like well he's really my step-dad... haha. Do you know how frustrating it can be to deal with a question of why's your last name Merling? Well my dad was adopted. But I saw your dad... and he's white? Oh well, so that's my step-dad cause cause my family divorced. But my biological dad was adopted from Korea at a young age... to which I hear ohhhhh. Cause what else can you say after that? haha. But I didn't feel like being stereotyped as the divorced kid or the fact that I have a complicated family, so I thought I'd keep it simple for you. Plus people always feel bad about bringing up the fact that I'm a child of divorced parents... and I'm just like look, now I feel awkward cause you feel awkward. Honestly if you ask me it doesn't bother me at all to share. It's just really annoying that people feel awkward once they hear haha.
But I digress these are minor points in the big story. I hated my family. I couldn't wait to move out and be on my own. In fact... I sincerely viewed them as more or less pieces of society that fed and clothed me. Nothing more. And I hated having to share about my family. I hated family.
Follow that with a falling out with my dad. Increased fighting with my mother and step-father as I tried to figure out who I was. Threats to get kicked out of my family... and during college I was like... my biggest goal in life? Not to be like my parents. And I very sincerely would pray this. I wanted to be nothing like them.
Haha... I was a terrible son. I still am, but I think I'm better than I was. Cause what's different now is, I love my family. I love my mother, my step-father, and even my biological father. I learned more about all of them. They learned and became more accepting of me. But in reality what created the change was God. My mother and step-father have changed drastically. From the me who would want to cover my brother's ears and hold his hand to let him know that he's loved (because I felt like I needed that growing up), and that our parents are really happier than what you see, to the me who smiles and knows my brother will grow up wonderfully. You have no idea... I was really scared my brother would become jaded like I was about family, so far it seems like he's everything I could hope and pray for and more :)
And I completely forgot to talk about my brother haha. I... love him so much. He's one of the biggest reasons why I don't want to move out of the state yet because I want to see him more. He still misses me being home, and yes I cry a little whenever I leave home. No shame. He's freaking adorable. Haha.
But that's weird right? The tears now, are tears of joy and love. Love that I feel towards them and love that I receive. As opposed to the utter disgust and contempt I used to hold. Tears would of self-pity that I would drown myself in.
The hatred of family that bled over into my relationship with God, my inability to really appreciate God as Father, and even when I thought I did... I realize I didn't understand. Not that I understand completely now either, but progress has been made.
Family... something I have learned to love and treasure. And now when I see little kids with parents I smile haha.
But yes. Two biggest areas in my life that God has redeemed. My life and my family/concept of family. If I ever need confirmation of God's goodness, and I can't recognize the everyday blessings, I can always recognize these.
Also: I've told my parents, including my biological dad, about my desires to go into seminary and ministry in the future. My parents are accepting and willing to help support in small ways :). My dad is respecting. He asked me how do you when or even if you should (cause he was curious)? And to be honest I don't have any huge things that will make me go, "Aha, now is the time!" short of an audible voice of God. So I told him, I'm sure that if God does not want me to, it won't work out in the end. And he nodded, saying, "I see." haha. Just a funny/interesting story to me. Peace out chingoos.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Dogs
Random post. I'm pretty sure that in Heaven there will be lots of animals there as well, so... if I can't have a dog as a pet here in this world. I'll have them in the next :) Although, maybe that level of ownership won't exist? I guess depends on your view of Heaven, and many factors that I frankly have not though out that well.
But dogs..... are so cute. Sigh.
But dogs..... are so cute. Sigh.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Brief response to today
I'd like to share my two cents about something. Lol, I like how I open with that, but this is my blog, I do what I want :P
There's a lot of uproar on GCF today of a "false preacher," and I'm sure I would agree with everyone if I were to have heard the man. However, I am saddened that our hearts get riled more clearly at an individual screaming out, then the injuries of people outside of Pittsburgh. A series of stabbings at a school. We get more riled up, more willing to speak, more willing to call out against an individual that has offended us, than the couple hundred souls that perished in the missing plane from Malaysia. The political upheaval in various countries, the starving people of the world, the suffering within our own city. But what moves us the most is an emotional charge against someone because we feel like as he yells, he brings down our religion. It gets personal, yet somehow the souls around us don't move us until that we have that spark from a man who speaks part but not all of the Gospel. In reality, much of the pop music we listen to and indulge in does the very same thing. Yet do we get all preachy about pop music? Not really... cause it's got that good beat you know?
Or the movies that defame God? Where people use His holy name in vain all the time? Of course not, those are cultural things right? And we enjoy the movie for it's aesthetic value as opposed to the undertones that lie in it.
The tragedies around the world are just a part of life, yet far removed from us right? Do we even get as indignant when we or our friends indulge in sin? I can't speak for you, but for myself... sometimes, but not always. It's that awkward line of do I get in his face or not. And yet the instance someone starts bad-mouthing Christianity, I can get all into it. Haha.
I find it weird, almost sad, that what moves us the most is the presence of a man speaking out wrongly about Jesus, when we live and breath in a world that does that ALL THE TIME. And more often than not we are completely okay with what we see.
But then again everyone has their own triggers that move them into action. And as long as action is taken, and as long as God gets the glory, does it really matter? I guess not.
Sigh humanity. So... inconsistent. I am so inconsistent. That makes me sad too. But what can you do when imperfect people follow a perfect God? Keep on plugging along.
Post to come about part 2. Too tired to write it out properly.
There's a lot of uproar on GCF today of a "false preacher," and I'm sure I would agree with everyone if I were to have heard the man. However, I am saddened that our hearts get riled more clearly at an individual screaming out, then the injuries of people outside of Pittsburgh. A series of stabbings at a school. We get more riled up, more willing to speak, more willing to call out against an individual that has offended us, than the couple hundred souls that perished in the missing plane from Malaysia. The political upheaval in various countries, the starving people of the world, the suffering within our own city. But what moves us the most is an emotional charge against someone because we feel like as he yells, he brings down our religion. It gets personal, yet somehow the souls around us don't move us until that we have that spark from a man who speaks part but not all of the Gospel. In reality, much of the pop music we listen to and indulge in does the very same thing. Yet do we get all preachy about pop music? Not really... cause it's got that good beat you know?
Or the movies that defame God? Where people use His holy name in vain all the time? Of course not, those are cultural things right? And we enjoy the movie for it's aesthetic value as opposed to the undertones that lie in it.
The tragedies around the world are just a part of life, yet far removed from us right? Do we even get as indignant when we or our friends indulge in sin? I can't speak for you, but for myself... sometimes, but not always. It's that awkward line of do I get in his face or not. And yet the instance someone starts bad-mouthing Christianity, I can get all into it. Haha.
I find it weird, almost sad, that what moves us the most is the presence of a man speaking out wrongly about Jesus, when we live and breath in a world that does that ALL THE TIME. And more often than not we are completely okay with what we see.
But then again everyone has their own triggers that move them into action. And as long as action is taken, and as long as God gets the glory, does it really matter? I guess not.
Sigh humanity. So... inconsistent. I am so inconsistent. That makes me sad too. But what can you do when imperfect people follow a perfect God? Keep on plugging along.
Post to come about part 2. Too tired to write it out properly.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Part 1: My Life
Part 1 of the two part post about what I can always turn back to in my moments of doubts and craziness of my mind. Disclaimer this is recap of various parts of different posts, but I was reminded during Lighthouse of this simple fact of mine. And I need positive reminders for myself. Don't we all?
My life. In what sense? In the sense that I, would be dead without Christ, not just spiritually, but literally. Based on my trajectory as a younger person, without God, I would have gone to a crazier side than I ever indulged in, and ultimately found myself with a gun in one hand. Cause one day... I would have just said eff it all, and bought one. It's not like they are going to do a super deep background check, and even if they did what would they find? No record of crime. No record of any infractions of the law, until you see the news the next day of a "tragic" 5 second segment of a youth who was found in the middle of the woods or mountains, after many days of searching, with a bullet hole in his head, and the gun in his hand. I see no reason if not for my Christian friends to not try and experiment with drugs or any manner of things until, like I said, I commit suicide. My life was full of escape methods. It's how I survived as a child, as a teen, as a young adult.
Or perhaps it would not have even had to reach that point of drug abuse, and it would end just when I could legally obtain a firearm. And don't get me wrong there would have been days and months of struggling where I would hold the gun, take off the safety, put it back on, take it off... repeat day in and day out. And it would have been a slap in the face of God. The One who gave me life, and yet I willingly chose to discard it for an eternity in Hell. I would willing spit in His face by saying eff it all. And don't get me wrong... I defile God... the Cross in so many ways... and I am ashamed. But I consider suicide, a huge slap and a huge escape for the individual. As if death brings respite? No it does not! But in the mind of the one suffering... it's the last hope they have left.
But God brought me to a church that was imperfect in so many glaring ways, and there I found love and community. For the first time... I found a sense of belonging that I had never ever felt before. God brought me to a fellowship, where I should never have been given opportunities and responsibilities that I was given, where I was taught and loved in so many ways... so that now as I've grown, I can look back and say to my younger self, to that boy, It's okay.
It's okay. Come here and walk with me. Do you see God, and how He has worked? Don't you see... the grace that has led us to this point? And I smile softly because I can accept this side of me. A side that I decided to abandon during college with the thought the past is done and never to return. I will be stronger. I will be better. I will never return to that stage. I will never be that weak. I will never give into that life style again. I will shun that pathetic shriveling disgusting side of me, and lock it up forever.
But that person is me, and I treasure him or his story. Because it is my reminder of how weak I am, but how loved I am. That person is me, and I realized the beauty of a God that loves... and I smile softly.
You can out argue me, you can prove me wrong on all my thought processes. But... my faith friends cannot be robbed from me. No matter how hard Satan tries, or hard I fall... in the end I will cling to one greater.
Okay... I don't suffer from a dual personality, but for the sake of introspection it's helpful. And to be honest it's how I try to step back and analyze/rationalize myself.
Completely different note: Listened to some free styles of Christian artists... and I am so inspired haha. So inspired.
My life. In what sense? In the sense that I, would be dead without Christ, not just spiritually, but literally. Based on my trajectory as a younger person, without God, I would have gone to a crazier side than I ever indulged in, and ultimately found myself with a gun in one hand. Cause one day... I would have just said eff it all, and bought one. It's not like they are going to do a super deep background check, and even if they did what would they find? No record of crime. No record of any infractions of the law, until you see the news the next day of a "tragic" 5 second segment of a youth who was found in the middle of the woods or mountains, after many days of searching, with a bullet hole in his head, and the gun in his hand. I see no reason if not for my Christian friends to not try and experiment with drugs or any manner of things until, like I said, I commit suicide. My life was full of escape methods. It's how I survived as a child, as a teen, as a young adult.
Or perhaps it would not have even had to reach that point of drug abuse, and it would end just when I could legally obtain a firearm. And don't get me wrong there would have been days and months of struggling where I would hold the gun, take off the safety, put it back on, take it off... repeat day in and day out. And it would have been a slap in the face of God. The One who gave me life, and yet I willingly chose to discard it for an eternity in Hell. I would willing spit in His face by saying eff it all. And don't get me wrong... I defile God... the Cross in so many ways... and I am ashamed. But I consider suicide, a huge slap and a huge escape for the individual. As if death brings respite? No it does not! But in the mind of the one suffering... it's the last hope they have left.
But God brought me to a church that was imperfect in so many glaring ways, and there I found love and community. For the first time... I found a sense of belonging that I had never ever felt before. God brought me to a fellowship, where I should never have been given opportunities and responsibilities that I was given, where I was taught and loved in so many ways... so that now as I've grown, I can look back and say to my younger self, to that boy, It's okay.
It's okay. Come here and walk with me. Do you see God, and how He has worked? Don't you see... the grace that has led us to this point? And I smile softly because I can accept this side of me. A side that I decided to abandon during college with the thought the past is done and never to return. I will be stronger. I will be better. I will never return to that stage. I will never be that weak. I will never give into that life style again. I will shun that pathetic shriveling disgusting side of me, and lock it up forever.
But that person is me, and I treasure him or his story. Because it is my reminder of how weak I am, but how loved I am. That person is me, and I realized the beauty of a God that loves... and I smile softly.
You can out argue me, you can prove me wrong on all my thought processes. But... my faith friends cannot be robbed from me. No matter how hard Satan tries, or hard I fall... in the end I will cling to one greater.
Okay... I don't suffer from a dual personality, but for the sake of introspection it's helpful. And to be honest it's how I try to step back and analyze/rationalize myself.
Completely different note: Listened to some free styles of Christian artists... and I am so inspired haha. So inspired.
Afternoon coffee
Gg. I drank some coffee at 6 pm to wake up. And now I can't sleep. Sigh... Like for real, not setting up for a good Monday.
But this has led to some good introspection as I just laid in bed for a bit.
By and large I don't trust GCF completely. I love and appreciate the body and it's vision. I am wary of it though.
Why? I feel like twice I have been severely let down by the fellowship.
Once, where I saw gossip manifest in such a way where I wanted to rage. Even now I get somewhat angry. I wanted to start a witch hunt and beat up anybody that was guilty. I wanted to fight, man. It wasn't about me, but it was about someone important to me. And that's when I realized... GCF is full of sinners. I held it or the people in it to a standard that I never should have. But let's be real... basic keeping your mouth shut isn't that hard. Talk to the person or shut up. Advice okay, asking people you trust for opinion, to some extent I agree with. But seriously freaking Koreans and their gossip haha. This is honestly one reason why I hesitate to share personal things to the body. Deep down inside... I am suspicious and un-trusting. Which is sad you know? God really does go deeper than that. He shines far above any foolish ways that an imperfect body will act as it tries to follow a perfect example. But that cut so deep... this is not a topic open to discussion unless you are aware of what happened in which case talk to me one on one. No one ever does haha (talk to me one on one), but if you feel like you want to, I don't mind. You can listen to me rant and see me get all riled up haha. Which doesn't happen too often (or does it?).
Second, is really all me. As I didn't trust the body... I felt alone. And during my fourth year was a rather dark time. I struggled quite a lot, and I felt abandoned. I had poured out everything into GCF... and I felt like when I was in dire straights, when I was falling under... I was left to drown, except for a couple brothers. Mainly one, yes, I say one because... as many people that were "there" for me, only one really displayed it. But there were a couple others that really served as a buoy as well. Granted I barely opened up to anyone cause of that mistrust from earlier. I kept a mental log of people I qualified as trust-worthy and not. I kept a mental log of people who would share and in turn I felt comfortable with sharing, and a log of people that I had shared with before and felt like there was something there. And in the end, mainly because I was upper class, people thought I was okay? Mainly because people thought they knew me, they didn't know? Maybe because I had developed that facade so nicely that no one knew. Or perhaps, no one just wanted to dive down. Because working with someone who's struggling is not easy.
All in all... do I blame GCF for my second issue? No. I'm just saying because it was there, but I don't hold anyone accountable. I don't feel bitterness. I just feel sad, and I sincerely hope that other people don't feel that way. In the end that's why we have our accountability peeps because the body at large can't be there. Although... ideally it should. Don't assume upper class people are always well, ask the deeper questions. Don't be afraid to poke. You think Christ was content with surface level answers or questions? Nah man. Went to the heart. All this being said, I've got so many flaws man haha, how can I really hold anyone else accountable for how my sins get manifested? I can't. Although in the moment, I will. I will deflect cause I'm... just a bad person. Work in progress, I promise you, I really am trying.
But do I blame GCF for the first? Yes in one sense. Should a body be held accountable for it's mistakes? Yes. Are blanket statements bad? Yes haha, but in this case I find validity because very few wanted to spearhead the fight against it. But what I wish to fight more is the sin as opposed to the body. Sin that creeps in everywhere is the target of my sadness/frustration. Ultimately, it's really not the body or the person. But... this in the past man. And as far as I can tell GCF is constantly becoming sanctified as it's members are. As we cry out to God... He responds in magnificent ways. So praise the Lord as we see positive growth :)
Perhaps you'd like to poke holes into what I'm saying. Perhaps I offended you. Please talk to me in person or phone or something (ie not txt or email), I honestly would love to hear what you have to say. And as a disclaimer, as often as I have things against GCF, I have much much much greater love (yes three much's, cause three's cool you know). Why else would I still make the effort to go to events and still try to get to know some people slowly? Let's be real, I could cut it out. Might be sad for a while, but I'd get over it. But I do have a heart for GCF that will probably carry into the next life (if that's not blasphemous?). It was my home for four years. It was my home church all throughout college... and it's full of great things.
Now it's almost 1:30 and I want to shoot myself cause I'm still awake... blaaaaaaargggggg. My goal in my next two posts? To post two areas in my life, where I always turn back to in my pits as reminders of God's faithfulness. Not as a crutch, but as a reminder cause to often I want to doubt.
And on a completely random note. I love stars. I could stare at them for so long... stars, sunsets, and sunrises. Literally takes my breath away, and I'm stuck for a seconds where I stop breathing. In awe. In wonder. In love haha. When (or if) I live in the city, I'm gonna miss them so much.
But where did these thoughts come from in terms of GCF? I have a feeling one day... I will share something very close to my heart. Something that rocked me so hard... and part of me is deathly afraid. But the majority of me recognizes the beauty of God's grace and my assurance in Him. And so I stand, supported solely by Christ.
Also... I wish I could make jokes. I might seriously watch comedy videos to try to understand better... sorta sad to admit this haha.
But this has led to some good introspection as I just laid in bed for a bit.
By and large I don't trust GCF completely. I love and appreciate the body and it's vision. I am wary of it though.
Why? I feel like twice I have been severely let down by the fellowship.
Once, where I saw gossip manifest in such a way where I wanted to rage. Even now I get somewhat angry. I wanted to start a witch hunt and beat up anybody that was guilty. I wanted to fight, man. It wasn't about me, but it was about someone important to me. And that's when I realized... GCF is full of sinners. I held it or the people in it to a standard that I never should have. But let's be real... basic keeping your mouth shut isn't that hard. Talk to the person or shut up. Advice okay, asking people you trust for opinion, to some extent I agree with. But seriously freaking Koreans and their gossip haha. This is honestly one reason why I hesitate to share personal things to the body. Deep down inside... I am suspicious and un-trusting. Which is sad you know? God really does go deeper than that. He shines far above any foolish ways that an imperfect body will act as it tries to follow a perfect example. But that cut so deep... this is not a topic open to discussion unless you are aware of what happened in which case talk to me one on one. No one ever does haha (talk to me one on one), but if you feel like you want to, I don't mind. You can listen to me rant and see me get all riled up haha. Which doesn't happen too often (or does it?).
Second, is really all me. As I didn't trust the body... I felt alone. And during my fourth year was a rather dark time. I struggled quite a lot, and I felt abandoned. I had poured out everything into GCF... and I felt like when I was in dire straights, when I was falling under... I was left to drown, except for a couple brothers. Mainly one, yes, I say one because... as many people that were "there" for me, only one really displayed it. But there were a couple others that really served as a buoy as well. Granted I barely opened up to anyone cause of that mistrust from earlier. I kept a mental log of people I qualified as trust-worthy and not. I kept a mental log of people who would share and in turn I felt comfortable with sharing, and a log of people that I had shared with before and felt like there was something there. And in the end, mainly because I was upper class, people thought I was okay? Mainly because people thought they knew me, they didn't know? Maybe because I had developed that facade so nicely that no one knew. Or perhaps, no one just wanted to dive down. Because working with someone who's struggling is not easy.
All in all... do I blame GCF for my second issue? No. I'm just saying because it was there, but I don't hold anyone accountable. I don't feel bitterness. I just feel sad, and I sincerely hope that other people don't feel that way. In the end that's why we have our accountability peeps because the body at large can't be there. Although... ideally it should. Don't assume upper class people are always well, ask the deeper questions. Don't be afraid to poke. You think Christ was content with surface level answers or questions? Nah man. Went to the heart. All this being said, I've got so many flaws man haha, how can I really hold anyone else accountable for how my sins get manifested? I can't. Although in the moment, I will. I will deflect cause I'm... just a bad person. Work in progress, I promise you, I really am trying.
But do I blame GCF for the first? Yes in one sense. Should a body be held accountable for it's mistakes? Yes. Are blanket statements bad? Yes haha, but in this case I find validity because very few wanted to spearhead the fight against it. But what I wish to fight more is the sin as opposed to the body. Sin that creeps in everywhere is the target of my sadness/frustration. Ultimately, it's really not the body or the person. But... this in the past man. And as far as I can tell GCF is constantly becoming sanctified as it's members are. As we cry out to God... He responds in magnificent ways. So praise the Lord as we see positive growth :)
Perhaps you'd like to poke holes into what I'm saying. Perhaps I offended you. Please talk to me in person or phone or something (ie not txt or email), I honestly would love to hear what you have to say. And as a disclaimer, as often as I have things against GCF, I have much much much greater love (yes three much's, cause three's cool you know). Why else would I still make the effort to go to events and still try to get to know some people slowly? Let's be real, I could cut it out. Might be sad for a while, but I'd get over it. But I do have a heart for GCF that will probably carry into the next life (if that's not blasphemous?). It was my home for four years. It was my home church all throughout college... and it's full of great things.
Now it's almost 1:30 and I want to shoot myself cause I'm still awake... blaaaaaaargggggg. My goal in my next two posts? To post two areas in my life, where I always turn back to in my pits as reminders of God's faithfulness. Not as a crutch, but as a reminder cause to often I want to doubt.
And on a completely random note. I love stars. I could stare at them for so long... stars, sunsets, and sunrises. Literally takes my breath away, and I'm stuck for a seconds where I stop breathing. In awe. In wonder. In love haha. When (or if) I live in the city, I'm gonna miss them so much.
But where did these thoughts come from in terms of GCF? I have a feeling one day... I will share something very close to my heart. Something that rocked me so hard... and part of me is deathly afraid. But the majority of me recognizes the beauty of God's grace and my assurance in Him. And so I stand, supported solely by Christ.
Also... I wish I could make jokes. I might seriously watch comedy videos to try to understand better... sorta sad to admit this haha.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Patience
For all intents and purposes my life is not bad. But... I'm impatient. I want something more. I want my life to be filled with random things that coalesce into something amazing. I want to see changes. I want to document life as we know it. I want to see those once in a life time events. I want to see that genuine smile. I want to be a part of a movement for something greater. I... long for something that stirs my heart to break my pragmatism and basically pessimistic thought pattern, instead putting all my eggs in one basket, and if they all break, keep on at it.
But sadly life, and the life of a Christian is filled simply with a lot of patience. Will I get this new job? Will I get a job? How long does it take to adjust to it? When can I move? When will I be able to play this song? When will this person get saved? When will I finally be free of x, y, z temptation? Will Jesus just come back now? Haha. Etc. etc. etc.
Today, Servants Ministry hosted Lighthouse. And being in C'ville of course I went. Listened to Pastor Pete from City Church, and it was a blessing. Quite practical, as he emphasized the point of relational outreach. Do I disagree slightly on some of his points? Why yes. Haha. I feel like, it's too easy to take what he's saying and be completely complacent and content with just being friends with non-believers. But if we are intentional and really open to the Spirit moving, I completely agree with him (I think he needed to emphasize this more, but that's just me being critical). I especially loved his stories, sometimes they really weren't necessary, but helped me to get a better idea of who he is. Made me wish I had decided to commit to City Church instead hahaha. But next church I go to will probably be a bit more modern than Trinity... (if I ever move out, God willing.)
I digress tho, a lot of what he said really focused on patience though. God will manifest Himself in your relationship. If you are friends, and you exhibit Christ, one day the opportunity will arise and go for it. That might take 10, 15, 20 years, but it's worth it. Be that person that they can come to in times of need, and really be there. None of that fake crap of oh got your back, and then you disappear when the going gets tough. But dude that time span wrecks me. That's like half to almost all of my life. I want to see change now. I feel like 1 week ago, I was different than I am now. I feel like 1 month ago, I was different. I feel like 1 year ago I was different. And it frustrates me man. I long and hunger for change. I long and hunger for progress. I long and hunger for more of God. I long and hunger... for Heaven. But timing man... kills me haha.
I liked how he touched on the transformation of missions as time has gone on though. I love that historical aspect haha. And his comment on street evangelism without a faith community for support is dangerous, I was like ya man. Preach it. The flipside, God works beyond our understanding so He can use that one event to bring them to faith. But that community is necessary to buttress and support the individual. Even his comment on profession, I'm a pneumatologist (person who studies the Holy Spirit) instead of pastor, cracks me up. Because if you tell someone, oh I'm a pastor, can kill the conversation. But pneumatologist sounds cooler, and most people won't admit they don't know what that means, so they'll nod and smile during the conversation. Hahahaha.
So it was good. It was eye opening. It was convicting, as I try to reach more and more to my pickup frisbee friends. Extend beyond that hey what's up I play with you relationship. So yes! PTL!
And then I get home... the wave of emptiness, loneliness, frustration washes over me again. That worship setting that can't quite be matched in the hymns of Trinity cause it's a different sense of worship (at least for me, or manifestation). That community is over, college is done, and no time to be a boy. I blast the Christian music (Phil Wickham) on my laptop trying to capture that feeling that is so elusive... That feeling that views every encounter as truly an opportunity from God. Not a feeling of I'm in the grind. Wake up, life, sleep, repeat, die. The impatience of wanting to do something more... see more... experience more.
I'm not who I was... but I stifle my friends. I'm champing at the bit.
MC Jin - Healing (Outro)
Recently memorized this and jam out to it when by myself haha. Brutal and true and lovely. Tired of fronting guys. If you think I am, let's talk it out. I really am striving to be really true.
I really want to get into spoken word, but I'm afraid to try haha. I have moments of what I call brilliance as everything just clicks in my mind. Like an automatic watch that runs perfectly... magical. Peace be with you.
Confession: I started playing a video game this past Sunday cause my friend told me about it. It literally consumed my life this week... I played it so much, staying up late, working from home some so I could squeeze it on my off time. So stupid... haha. I'm legit embarrassed to write this because I really do think that when things like this happen clearly video games are terrible and a destruction of man. Sigh. Video games and I just don't agree too well. But the respite it gave me from thoughts just weighing in on me was refreshing.
But sadly life, and the life of a Christian is filled simply with a lot of patience. Will I get this new job? Will I get a job? How long does it take to adjust to it? When can I move? When will I be able to play this song? When will this person get saved? When will I finally be free of x, y, z temptation? Will Jesus just come back now? Haha. Etc. etc. etc.
Today, Servants Ministry hosted Lighthouse. And being in C'ville of course I went. Listened to Pastor Pete from City Church, and it was a blessing. Quite practical, as he emphasized the point of relational outreach. Do I disagree slightly on some of his points? Why yes. Haha. I feel like, it's too easy to take what he's saying and be completely complacent and content with just being friends with non-believers. But if we are intentional and really open to the Spirit moving, I completely agree with him (I think he needed to emphasize this more, but that's just me being critical). I especially loved his stories, sometimes they really weren't necessary, but helped me to get a better idea of who he is. Made me wish I had decided to commit to City Church instead hahaha. But next church I go to will probably be a bit more modern than Trinity... (if I ever move out, God willing.)
I digress tho, a lot of what he said really focused on patience though. God will manifest Himself in your relationship. If you are friends, and you exhibit Christ, one day the opportunity will arise and go for it. That might take 10, 15, 20 years, but it's worth it. Be that person that they can come to in times of need, and really be there. None of that fake crap of oh got your back, and then you disappear when the going gets tough. But dude that time span wrecks me. That's like half to almost all of my life. I want to see change now. I feel like 1 week ago, I was different than I am now. I feel like 1 month ago, I was different. I feel like 1 year ago I was different. And it frustrates me man. I long and hunger for change. I long and hunger for progress. I long and hunger for more of God. I long and hunger... for Heaven. But timing man... kills me haha.
I liked how he touched on the transformation of missions as time has gone on though. I love that historical aspect haha. And his comment on street evangelism without a faith community for support is dangerous, I was like ya man. Preach it. The flipside, God works beyond our understanding so He can use that one event to bring them to faith. But that community is necessary to buttress and support the individual. Even his comment on profession, I'm a pneumatologist (person who studies the Holy Spirit) instead of pastor, cracks me up. Because if you tell someone, oh I'm a pastor, can kill the conversation. But pneumatologist sounds cooler, and most people won't admit they don't know what that means, so they'll nod and smile during the conversation. Hahahaha.
So it was good. It was eye opening. It was convicting, as I try to reach more and more to my pickup frisbee friends. Extend beyond that hey what's up I play with you relationship. So yes! PTL!
And then I get home... the wave of emptiness, loneliness, frustration washes over me again. That worship setting that can't quite be matched in the hymns of Trinity cause it's a different sense of worship (at least for me, or manifestation). That community is over, college is done, and no time to be a boy. I blast the Christian music (Phil Wickham) on my laptop trying to capture that feeling that is so elusive... That feeling that views every encounter as truly an opportunity from God. Not a feeling of I'm in the grind. Wake up, life, sleep, repeat, die. The impatience of wanting to do something more... see more... experience more.
I'm not who I was... but I stifle my friends. I'm champing at the bit.
MC Jin - Healing (Outro)
Recently memorized this and jam out to it when by myself haha. Brutal and true and lovely. Tired of fronting guys. If you think I am, let's talk it out. I really am striving to be really true.
I really want to get into spoken word, but I'm afraid to try haha. I have moments of what I call brilliance as everything just clicks in my mind. Like an automatic watch that runs perfectly... magical. Peace be with you.
Confession: I started playing a video game this past Sunday cause my friend told me about it. It literally consumed my life this week... I played it so much, staying up late, working from home some so I could squeeze it on my off time. So stupid... haha. I'm legit embarrassed to write this because I really do think that when things like this happen clearly video games are terrible and a destruction of man. Sigh. Video games and I just don't agree too well. But the respite it gave me from thoughts just weighing in on me was refreshing.
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