Afternoon coffee

Gg. I drank some coffee at 6 pm to wake up. And now I can't sleep. Sigh... Like for real, not setting up for a good Monday.

But this has led to some good introspection as I just laid in bed for a bit.

By and large I don't trust GCF completely. I love and appreciate the body and it's vision. I am wary of it though.

Why? I feel like twice I have been severely let down by the fellowship.

Once, where I saw gossip manifest in such a way where I wanted to rage. Even now I get somewhat angry. I wanted to start a witch hunt and beat up anybody that was guilty. I wanted to fight, man. It wasn't about me, but it was about someone important to me. And that's when I realized... GCF is full of sinners. I held it or the people in it to a standard that I never should have. But let's be real... basic keeping your mouth shut isn't that hard. Talk to the person or shut up. Advice okay, asking people you trust for opinion, to some extent I agree with. But seriously freaking Koreans and their gossip haha. This is honestly one reason why I hesitate to share personal things to the body. Deep down inside... I am suspicious and un-trusting. Which is sad you know? God really does go deeper than that. He shines far above any foolish ways that an imperfect body will act as it tries to follow a perfect example. But that cut so deep... this is not a topic open to discussion unless you are aware of what happened in which case talk to me one on one. No one ever does haha (talk to me one on one), but if you feel like you want to, I don't mind. You can listen to me rant and see me get all riled up haha. Which doesn't happen too often (or does it?).

Second, is really all me. As I didn't trust the body... I felt alone. And during my fourth year was a rather dark time. I struggled quite a lot, and I felt abandoned. I had poured out everything into GCF... and I felt like when I was in dire straights, when I was falling under... I was left to drown, except for a couple brothers. Mainly one, yes, I say one because... as many people that were "there" for me, only one really displayed it. But there were a couple others that really served as a buoy as well. Granted I barely opened up to anyone cause of that mistrust from earlier. I kept a mental log of people I qualified as trust-worthy and not. I kept a mental log of people who would share and in turn I felt comfortable with sharing, and a log of people that I had shared with before and felt like there was something there. And in the end, mainly because I was upper class, people thought I was okay? Mainly because people thought they knew me, they didn't know? Maybe because I had developed that facade so nicely that no one knew. Or perhaps, no one just wanted to dive down. Because working with someone who's struggling is not easy.

All in all... do I blame GCF for my second issue? No. I'm just saying because it was there, but I don't hold anyone accountable. I don't feel bitterness. I just feel sad, and I sincerely hope that other people don't feel that way. In the end that's why we have our accountability peeps because the body at large can't be there. Although... ideally it should. Don't assume upper class people are always well, ask the deeper questions. Don't be afraid to poke. You think Christ was content with surface level answers or questions? Nah man. Went to the heart. All this being said, I've got so many flaws man haha, how can I really hold anyone else accountable for how my sins get manifested? I can't. Although in the moment, I will. I will deflect cause I'm... just a bad person. Work in progress, I promise you, I really am trying.

But do I blame GCF for the first? Yes in one sense. Should a body be held accountable for it's mistakes? Yes. Are blanket statements bad? Yes haha, but in this case I find validity because very few wanted to spearhead the fight against it. But what I wish to fight more is the sin as opposed to the body. Sin that creeps in everywhere is the target of my sadness/frustration. Ultimately, it's really not the body or the person. But... this in the past man. And as far as I can tell GCF is constantly becoming sanctified as it's members are. As we cry out to God... He responds in magnificent ways. So praise the Lord as we see positive growth :)

Perhaps you'd like to poke holes into what I'm saying. Perhaps I offended you. Please talk to me in person or phone or something (ie not txt or email), I honestly would love to hear what you have to say. And as a disclaimer, as often as I have things against GCF, I have much much much greater love (yes three much's, cause three's cool you know). Why else would I still make the effort to go to events and still try to get to know some people slowly? Let's be real, I could cut it out. Might be sad for a while, but I'd get over it. But I do have a heart for GCF that will probably carry into the next life (if that's not blasphemous?). It was my home for four years. It was my home church all throughout college... and it's full of great things.

Now it's almost 1:30 and I want to shoot myself cause I'm still awake... blaaaaaaargggggg. My goal in my next two posts? To post two areas in my life, where I always turn back to in my pits as reminders of God's faithfulness. Not as a crutch, but as a reminder cause to often I want to doubt.

And on a completely random note. I love stars. I could stare at them for so long... stars, sunsets, and sunrises. Literally takes my breath away, and I'm stuck for a seconds where I stop breathing. In awe. In wonder. In love haha. When (or if) I live in the city, I'm gonna miss them so much.

But where did these thoughts come from in terms of GCF? I have a feeling one day... I will share something very close to my heart. Something that rocked me so hard... and part of me is deathly afraid. But the majority of me recognizes the beauty of God's grace and my assurance in Him. And so I stand, supported solely by Christ.

Also... I wish I could make jokes. I might seriously watch comedy videos to try to understand better... sorta sad to admit this haha.