Patience

For all intents and purposes my life is not bad. But... I'm impatient. I want something more. I want my life to be filled with random things that coalesce into something amazing. I want to see changes. I want to document life as we know it. I want to see those once in a life time events. I want to see that genuine smile. I want to be a part of a movement for something greater. I... long for something that stirs my heart to break my pragmatism and basically pessimistic thought pattern, instead putting all my eggs in one basket, and if they all break, keep on at it.

But sadly life, and the life of a Christian is filled simply with a lot of patience. Will I get this new job? Will I get a job? How long does it take to adjust to it? When can I move? When will I be able to play this song? When will this person get saved? When will I finally be free of x, y, z temptation? Will Jesus just come back now? Haha. Etc. etc. etc.

Today, Servants Ministry hosted Lighthouse. And being in C'ville of course I went. Listened to Pastor Pete from City Church, and it was a blessing. Quite practical, as he emphasized the point of relational outreach. Do I disagree slightly on some of his points? Why yes. Haha. I feel like, it's too easy to take what he's saying and be completely complacent and content with just being friends with non-believers. But if we are intentional and really open to the Spirit moving, I completely agree with him (I think he needed to emphasize this more, but that's just me being critical). I especially loved his stories, sometimes they really weren't necessary, but helped me to get a better idea of who he is. Made me wish I had decided to commit to City Church instead hahaha. But next church I go to will probably be a bit more modern than Trinity... (if I ever move out, God willing.)

I digress tho, a lot of what he said really focused on patience though. God will manifest Himself in your relationship. If you are friends, and you exhibit Christ, one day the opportunity will arise and go for it. That might take 10, 15, 20 years, but it's worth it. Be that person that they can come to in times of need, and really be there. None of that fake crap of oh got your back, and then you disappear when the going gets tough. But dude that time span wrecks me. That's like half to almost all of my life. I want to see change now. I feel like 1 week ago, I was different than I am now. I feel like 1 month ago, I was different. I feel like 1 year ago I was different. And it frustrates me man. I long and hunger for change. I long and hunger for progress. I long and hunger for more of God. I long and hunger... for Heaven. But timing man... kills me haha.

I liked how he touched on the transformation of missions as time has gone on though. I love that historical aspect haha. And his comment on street evangelism without a faith community for support is dangerous, I was like ya man. Preach it. The flipside, God works beyond our understanding so He can use that one event to bring them to faith. But that community is necessary to buttress and support the individual. Even his comment on profession, I'm a pneumatologist (person who studies the Holy Spirit) instead of pastor, cracks me up. Because if you tell someone, oh I'm a pastor, can kill the conversation. But pneumatologist sounds cooler, and most people won't admit they don't know what that means, so they'll nod and smile during the conversation. Hahahaha.

So it was good. It was eye opening. It was convicting, as I try to reach more and more to my pickup frisbee friends. Extend beyond that hey what's up I play with you relationship. So yes! PTL!

And then I get home... the wave of emptiness, loneliness, frustration washes over me again. That worship setting that can't quite be matched in the hymns of Trinity cause it's a different sense of worship (at least for me, or manifestation). That community is over, college is done, and no time to be a boy. I blast the Christian music (Phil Wickham) on my laptop trying to capture that feeling that is so elusive... That feeling that views every encounter as truly an opportunity from God. Not a feeling of I'm in the grind. Wake up, life, sleep, repeat, die. The impatience of wanting to do something more... see more... experience more.

I'm not who I was... but I stifle my friends. I'm champing at the bit.

MC Jin - Healing (Outro)
Recently memorized this and jam out to it when by myself haha. Brutal and true and lovely. Tired of fronting guys. If you think I am, let's talk it out. I really am striving to be really true.

I really want to get into spoken word, but I'm afraid to try haha. I have moments of what I call brilliance as everything just clicks in my mind. Like an automatic watch that runs perfectly... magical. Peace be with you.

Confession: I started playing a video game this past Sunday cause my friend told me about it. It literally consumed my life this week... I played it so much, staying up late, working from home some so I could squeeze it on my off time. So stupid... haha. I'm legit embarrassed to write this because I really do think that when things like this happen clearly video games are terrible and a destruction of man. Sigh. Video games and I just don't agree too well. But the respite it gave me from thoughts just weighing in on me was refreshing.