Part 1 of the two part post about what I can always turn back to in my moments of doubts and craziness of my mind. Disclaimer this is recap of various parts of different posts, but I was reminded during Lighthouse of this simple fact of mine. And I need positive reminders for myself. Don't we all?
My life. In what sense? In the sense that I, would be dead without Christ, not just spiritually, but literally. Based on my trajectory as a younger person, without God, I would have gone to a crazier side than I ever indulged in, and ultimately found myself with a gun in one hand. Cause one day... I would have just said eff it all, and bought one. It's not like they are going to do a super deep background check, and even if they did what would they find? No record of crime. No record of any infractions of the law, until you see the news the next day of a "tragic" 5 second segment of a youth who was found in the middle of the woods or mountains, after many days of searching, with a bullet hole in his head, and the gun in his hand. I see no reason if not for my Christian friends to not try and experiment with drugs or any manner of things until, like I said, I commit suicide. My life was full of escape methods. It's how I survived as a child, as a teen, as a young adult.
Or perhaps it would not have even had to reach that point of drug abuse, and it would end just when I could legally obtain a firearm. And don't get me wrong there would have been days and months of struggling where I would hold the gun, take off the safety, put it back on, take it off... repeat day in and day out. And it would have been a slap in the face of God. The One who gave me life, and yet I willingly chose to discard it for an eternity in Hell. I would willing spit in His face by saying eff it all. And don't get me wrong... I defile God... the Cross in so many ways... and I am ashamed. But I consider suicide, a huge slap and a huge escape for the individual. As if death brings respite? No it does not! But in the mind of the one suffering... it's the last hope they have left.
But God brought me to a church that was imperfect in so many glaring ways, and there I found love and community. For the first time... I found a sense of belonging that I had never ever felt before. God brought me to a fellowship, where I should never have been given opportunities and responsibilities that I was given, where I was taught and loved in so many ways... so that now as I've grown, I can look back and say to my younger self, to that boy, It's okay.
It's okay. Come here and walk with me. Do you see God, and how He has worked? Don't you see... the grace that has led us to this point? And I smile softly because I can accept this side of me. A side that I decided to abandon during college with the thought the past is done and never to return. I will be stronger. I will be better. I will never return to that stage. I will never be that weak. I will never give into that life style again. I will shun that pathetic shriveling disgusting side of me, and lock it up forever.
But that person is me, and I treasure him or his story. Because it is my reminder of how weak I am, but how loved I am. That person is me, and I realized the beauty of a God that loves... and I smile softly.
You can out argue me, you can prove me wrong on all my thought processes. But... my faith friends cannot be robbed from me. No matter how hard Satan tries, or hard I fall... in the end I will cling to one greater.
Okay... I don't suffer from a dual personality, but for the sake of introspection it's helpful. And to be honest it's how I try to step back and analyze/rationalize myself.
Completely different note: Listened to some free styles of Christian artists... and I am so inspired haha. So inspired.
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