Part 2: Family

Once again disclaimer, I've talked about parts of this before.

Family. I come from a broken family. A dysfunctional one for all intents and purposes. Divorced while I was super young, and not a good divorce. An ugly one. Very ugly. Bad mouthed the other whenever I was present. Argued with each other. And I just had to grow up in it all. Both mother and father very poor, essentially poverty, although not anymore.

Now I'm blessed through the poverty aspect because while my mother would go hungry raising me, she never let me go hungry. She's done so many things for me. You insult my mother, you can be sure that I might have an image of me beating the crap out of you flash through my mind. :) At least now I would.

Growing up...non-related insecurities aside, I hated my family. I really did. I was jealous of kids that had unity. Even after my mom re-married she would constantly argue and scream at him, and vice versa, though mainly her. But I wanted to say yup, I have a mom and dad to everyone. Not just a mom (although as a kid you don't notice that too much). But I hated to say ya, that's my step-dad. It was a mark of imperfection. Don't get me wrong, I love my step-father, but during that time half of me felt like I was betraying my biological dad. And to all the kids... I felt like when I shared, I was a child of divorced parents there was that sense of being lesser. Or adults would give me that slightly different, oh poor thing look.

And my step-dad is white, which you know causes all kinds of weird things, and I have a white last name. So the question is are you half? You don't look half. Or I'd tell everyone oh ya I have a mom and dad. And they'd be like wait... your dad's white? And I'd be like well he's really my step-dad... haha. Do you know how frustrating it can be to deal with a question of why's your last name Merling? Well my dad was adopted. But I saw your dad... and he's white? Oh well, so that's my step-dad cause cause my family divorced. But my biological dad was adopted from Korea at a young age... to which I hear ohhhhh. Cause what else can you say after that? haha. But I didn't feel like being stereotyped as the divorced kid or the fact that I have a complicated family, so I thought I'd keep it simple for you. Plus people always feel bad about bringing up the fact that I'm a child of divorced parents... and I'm just like look, now I feel awkward cause you feel awkward. Honestly if you ask me it doesn't bother me at all to share. It's just really annoying that people feel awkward once they hear haha.

But I digress these are minor points in the big story. I hated my family. I couldn't wait to move out and be on my own. In fact... I sincerely viewed them as more or less pieces of society that fed and clothed me. Nothing more. And I hated having to share about my family. I hated family.

Follow that with a falling out with my dad. Increased fighting with my mother and step-father as I tried to figure out who I was. Threats to get kicked out of my family... and during college I was like... my biggest goal in life? Not to be like my parents. And I very sincerely would pray this. I wanted to be nothing like them.

Haha... I was a terrible son. I still am, but I think I'm better than I was. Cause what's different now is, I love my family. I love my mother, my step-father, and even my biological father. I learned more about all of them. They learned and became more accepting of me. But in reality what created the change was God. My mother and step-father have changed drastically. From the me who would want to cover my brother's ears and hold his hand to let him know that he's loved (because I felt like I needed that growing up), and that our parents are really happier than what you see, to the me who smiles and knows my brother will grow up wonderfully. You have no idea... I was really scared my brother would become jaded like I was about family, so far it seems like he's everything I could hope and pray for and more :)

And I completely forgot to talk about my brother haha. I... love him so much. He's one of the biggest reasons why I don't want to move out of the state yet because I want to see him more. He still misses me being home, and yes I cry a little whenever I leave home. No shame. He's freaking adorable. Haha.

But that's weird right? The tears now, are tears of joy and love. Love that I feel towards them and love that I receive. As opposed to the utter disgust and contempt I used to hold. Tears would of self-pity that I would drown myself in.

The hatred of family that bled over into my relationship with God, my inability to really appreciate God as Father, and even when I thought I did... I realize I didn't understand. Not that I understand completely now either, but progress has been made.

Family... something I have learned to love and treasure. And now when I see little kids with parents I smile haha.

But yes. Two biggest areas in my life that God has redeemed. My life and my family/concept of family. If I ever need confirmation of God's goodness, and I can't recognize the everyday blessings, I can always recognize these.

Also: I've told my parents, including my biological dad, about my desires to go into seminary and ministry in the future. My parents are accepting and willing to help support in small ways :). My dad is respecting. He asked me how do you when or even if you should (cause he was curious)? And to be honest I don't have any huge things that will make me go, "Aha, now is the time!" short of an audible voice of God. So I told him, I'm sure that if God does not want me to, it won't work out in the end. And he nodded, saying, "I see." haha. Just a funny/interesting story to me. Peace out chingoos.