Please don't take the last post too seriously. I don't think that such a manner of thought can be treated as black and white as I originally felt. And I think the reason the nature of the post has been on my mind on and off is because I haven't fully fleshed it out. I feel like it would take a huge essay for me to finally arrive at a conclusion that would give me some measure of peace. Haha. Maybe one day, so there's a lot of truth in it, but something is slightly off that's bugging me.
I learned today, I have a lot of anxiety for some reason. And I'm not sure about what. I need to be busy. Or I need to be doing something. Otherwise it starts to well up inside me... sorta sad. When I did become such a busy body or something. What happened to just sitting... Not that I don't sit. I do, but I wonder why I've become like this. It's really annoying. Granted I have lot to do/should be doing/would like to do. But that anxiety doe... so dumb. Just get outttttttt.
On a separate but cool note. I'm going to the Philippines sometime in late April or May, I do want to see graduation though so we'll see the final details. Work is going to pay for me to travel there and help train two people. Sick deals. Why? Free plane ticket to Asia for the first time ever. Yes, I've never been. That being said, I need to make sure my passport is up to date/find it. But ya guys... hoping to stop by in CA on the way there, and Hong Kong one weekend. Stop by some sick beach CL told me to stop by. And Japan!!!!!! Prob nah to Korea, but one day I would like to go. Yes... I'm looking forward to this trip more for personal enjoyment than anything because I will be working a night shift there and training two people, boo. Buttttt traveling. Too cool. Although... I plan on job searching soon-ish so feel slightly bad.
And I've gotten pretty good at making steaks, at least in a cast iron grill pan. Perfected? Not quite, but made delishly good? Yes. If you buy it, I'll cook it hands down. Or maybe I'll buy it for you, if there's a good enough reason. I do enjoy cooking it quite a lot Maybe I'm just getting cocky, but the steaks I made tonight were pretty good. All those youtube cooking videos not wasted. Especially cause earlier this week, I tried to make bread, and it lowered my confidence cause was quite bad (... makes me sad to think about it).
But lots to think about friends. TC made a comment today at dinner that if he knew anybody that would be living as a free lance photo journalist, he said it'd be me haha. And man... would I love it. At leas the romantic, following your dreams, living for the moment aspect. The scrounging for food, barely paying rent, questioning my existence, until I get that photo that just reminds me why I committed myself to do this cycle, would be rough. Worth it? Nah... not for my whole vision of life. Or is it... haha. Not good enough skill wise tho fo real. Sigh. Need to sleep. I should write these earlier. Lol.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Transparency vs Vulnerability
The mighty have fallen aka I think vacuum cleaners are sorta cool... Cause you want to get a good one ya know? Or I find cooking utensils more and more interesting, for example did you know that there's different quality of ceramic layering of cast iron? I mean logically makes sense, but reading about it is sort of interesting. Also sales on food seem that much more interesting to me. But no lie... my interest in cooking has grown exponentially. I watch a lot of cooking videos these days, maybe one day I can make most of them (Not that I consider myself mighty in any way, it's just that phrase). I feel like overall my cooking has improved slightly tho, due to watching and getting ideas.
Minor rant. You know people spend way too much time with other Christians (exclusively) when they assume that every Christian they meet has gone to church their whole life. I really like Trinity don't get me wrong. Most of the people I've met assume that I've always been going to church. Does that concern me? Yes. It gives an impression that most people have done that... so where are the people that have been recently saved? Of course there's the argument of oh, I went to church my whole life and just recently gave my life to Christ. I'm not discounting that. But it doesn't strike me as the best thing when people do that. Cause I didn't go to church my whole life, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Now that being said, I got to eat dinner with a married couple that invited me and another couple that I met over for dinner as outreach through Trinity who made this assumption (along with many others I've met there) hence the trigger for the rant, but I actually enjoyed the dinner a lot.
But you guys ready for this? There's a huge difference between transparency and vulnerability. Duh right? But let's play it out.
Transparency is like having a glass wall between you and the other person. They can see everything.
Vulnerability is like giving that other person a scalpel to help cut you open and fix you.
Now in writing it's like meh. But this is so deep or at least it was when I heard it this past Thursday at small group. Why? Because I can be transparent, no not about everything (I'm trying though), but about most things. If I'm not transparent with you completely about everything, it's probably 1) I don't trust you completely or 2) You never share even though I have, which really leads to 1. Or I'm afraid of your opinion changing of me, but as time goes on I realize more and more, so what. If you decide to hate me, you're completely free to do so, and to be honest I don't blame you. But if that's the outcome then we were never really friends in the first place, you just liked the version of me, you wanted to like. For the most part tho, I consider myself more or less transparent (if you feel otherwise you can let me know, and maybe we can meet up and talk and I can clean that glass for you some more, but maybe what I consider being transparent you don't or vice versa).
But being vulnerable is very hard for me. Why? Well I think it's universally hard, but for me personally, it's hard because very few people do I trust to that extent. Some people I innately trust, like a pastor at a retreat or something. Some people will never earn that trust, aka if I've seen you blab to others. Or maybe I just don't respect you enough to really hand you a knife to cut me open (which sounds judgmental I know. I like most people and respect/appreciate many qualities/gifts people have, but will I respect you enough to bare my soul? completely different). To let your words fundamentally rock me because I consider your opinion and your thoughts super insightful and worthy of the hours of reflection that I would put in. Or your words can be so uplifting that the joy I receive let's praise God for you as well as just being happier. Cause that's scary. Not in an idol focused way, while that danger is there, but in a truly brother bond (or possibly sister, but I think the only woman that will achieve that level will be my spouse, should I marry. that being said, I do value some women's thoughts greatly), relationship that carries a lot of weight way.
Transparency is hard guys. Vulnerability can be down right suicidal. Cause then family issues can wreck you. Friendships where you realize the only reason that you guys meet is because you initiate and as soon as you stop it ends, will hurt you more than they really should. Personalities are different of course, which lead to different interactions. But I think I'm a believer in lack of effort from the other person for x amount of time (where x varies with the individual and relationship) can only mean the relationship isn't as important to them (or you). I can understand the whole oh man it's been forever and still be close aspect. But close and vulnerable are different to me. I need both don't get me wrong, but there's a distinction on some level. All this means you try for relationships you value, but after some point, it's don't kill yourself by overextending. That individual is not best to be vulnerable to. That scalpel you gave them can best be used by someone else. This all sounds disgustingly self-centered as I read it. But I'm being honest with you, if I don't operate this way, I will go crazy.
All this to say, what a powerful distinction man. I never thought of it that way until my leader made the distinction. If I'm vulnerable with you it's because I trust you whole heatedly, and I will come to you for advice and in times of need. You are that lifelong relationship that I treasure. If I'm close to you, your opinion matters and if you begin to dislike me, I'll be sad, but I'll move on.
Sigh if you're offended by any of this, don't hate me. It's not in anyway directed towards targeting any individuals specifically. Just thoughts that have been mulling for a while now. I really don't have anyone that I dislike or anything. It's just I have to draw lines or watch my heart crumble into more pieces. I liken it to my car. It's been hit several times now and had some replacement parts, some visible, and some not so visible, but the damage is still there. I don't want to see it explode on me or something lol, by pushing past my human limits. Of course God gives me strength, which is why I make the effort to open my circle of vulnerability and to be more transparent. It's just hard.
One prayer request: I am tired all the time these days even if I sleep early. I thought Spring Retreat would be a good time of rest like deep soul rest, but even if I try to do that these days... it's unfruitful.
Minor rant. You know people spend way too much time with other Christians (exclusively) when they assume that every Christian they meet has gone to church their whole life. I really like Trinity don't get me wrong. Most of the people I've met assume that I've always been going to church. Does that concern me? Yes. It gives an impression that most people have done that... so where are the people that have been recently saved? Of course there's the argument of oh, I went to church my whole life and just recently gave my life to Christ. I'm not discounting that. But it doesn't strike me as the best thing when people do that. Cause I didn't go to church my whole life, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Now that being said, I got to eat dinner with a married couple that invited me and another couple that I met over for dinner as outreach through Trinity who made this assumption (along with many others I've met there) hence the trigger for the rant, but I actually enjoyed the dinner a lot.
But you guys ready for this? There's a huge difference between transparency and vulnerability. Duh right? But let's play it out.
Transparency is like having a glass wall between you and the other person. They can see everything.
Vulnerability is like giving that other person a scalpel to help cut you open and fix you.
Now in writing it's like meh. But this is so deep or at least it was when I heard it this past Thursday at small group. Why? Because I can be transparent, no not about everything (I'm trying though), but about most things. If I'm not transparent with you completely about everything, it's probably 1) I don't trust you completely or 2) You never share even though I have, which really leads to 1. Or I'm afraid of your opinion changing of me, but as time goes on I realize more and more, so what. If you decide to hate me, you're completely free to do so, and to be honest I don't blame you. But if that's the outcome then we were never really friends in the first place, you just liked the version of me, you wanted to like. For the most part tho, I consider myself more or less transparent (if you feel otherwise you can let me know, and maybe we can meet up and talk and I can clean that glass for you some more, but maybe what I consider being transparent you don't or vice versa).
But being vulnerable is very hard for me. Why? Well I think it's universally hard, but for me personally, it's hard because very few people do I trust to that extent. Some people I innately trust, like a pastor at a retreat or something. Some people will never earn that trust, aka if I've seen you blab to others. Or maybe I just don't respect you enough to really hand you a knife to cut me open (which sounds judgmental I know. I like most people and respect/appreciate many qualities/gifts people have, but will I respect you enough to bare my soul? completely different). To let your words fundamentally rock me because I consider your opinion and your thoughts super insightful and worthy of the hours of reflection that I would put in. Or your words can be so uplifting that the joy I receive let's praise God for you as well as just being happier. Cause that's scary. Not in an idol focused way, while that danger is there, but in a truly brother bond (or possibly sister, but I think the only woman that will achieve that level will be my spouse, should I marry. that being said, I do value some women's thoughts greatly), relationship that carries a lot of weight way.
Transparency is hard guys. Vulnerability can be down right suicidal. Cause then family issues can wreck you. Friendships where you realize the only reason that you guys meet is because you initiate and as soon as you stop it ends, will hurt you more than they really should. Personalities are different of course, which lead to different interactions. But I think I'm a believer in lack of effort from the other person for x amount of time (where x varies with the individual and relationship) can only mean the relationship isn't as important to them (or you). I can understand the whole oh man it's been forever and still be close aspect. But close and vulnerable are different to me. I need both don't get me wrong, but there's a distinction on some level. All this means you try for relationships you value, but after some point, it's don't kill yourself by overextending. That individual is not best to be vulnerable to. That scalpel you gave them can best be used by someone else. This all sounds disgustingly self-centered as I read it. But I'm being honest with you, if I don't operate this way, I will go crazy.
All this to say, what a powerful distinction man. I never thought of it that way until my leader made the distinction. If I'm vulnerable with you it's because I trust you whole heatedly, and I will come to you for advice and in times of need. You are that lifelong relationship that I treasure. If I'm close to you, your opinion matters and if you begin to dislike me, I'll be sad, but I'll move on.
Sigh if you're offended by any of this, don't hate me. It's not in anyway directed towards targeting any individuals specifically. Just thoughts that have been mulling for a while now. I really don't have anyone that I dislike or anything. It's just I have to draw lines or watch my heart crumble into more pieces. I liken it to my car. It's been hit several times now and had some replacement parts, some visible, and some not so visible, but the damage is still there. I don't want to see it explode on me or something lol, by pushing past my human limits. Of course God gives me strength, which is why I make the effort to open my circle of vulnerability and to be more transparent. It's just hard.
One prayer request: I am tired all the time these days even if I sleep early. I thought Spring Retreat would be a good time of rest like deep soul rest, but even if I try to do that these days... it's unfruitful.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Finally things are clicking
One of my prayer requests lately has been for insight. Why? Cause I've been feeling unsettled/like something is off for a bit now, and finally I've had my revelation.
I hate my job. Not the company. Not the people. I just hate my job. It sucks. I understand how CJ feels now.
It's not even oh the monotony of work, I miss the freedom of college crap. I just hate my job. It offers minimal fulfillment. And you might say oh but it's so chill. And it is. I have lots of downtime. I can read articles, read the news, write out a bunch of blog posts that I will never post, send emails, chat the couple of people of that I have on gchat cause I've made it so you have to request to talk to me (but I don't really chat much at all, like honestly I don't). And... I mean ya. I sound whiny and pathetic right now. I know. At least you have a job right? True. And I think that's why it's taken me 9 months to realize how much I dislike my job lol.
I do all the work I need to ahead of time. I take on extra work. I do x, y, and z. And then boredom sets in again. I don't do anything challenging. I'm learning, but not enough to be valuable in another position. I'm studying by taking an online class, but realistically it doesn't look I can transfer positions internally like I hoped any time soon, if ever... and so it just sucks.
But fulfillment is really a matter of our generation compared to earlier generations, so what you're experiencing is really just a foolish passing issue just suck it up. Correct. And outside of work, I'm actually pretty happy. I have a lot of things going okay/well. Learning about God. Exercising. Community group. Even GCF to some extent. As much as I hate Charlottesville, it's not that bad. There are different things that go on once in a while, but I do want to live in a city, don't get me wrong. C'ville is aight tho, minus the lack of people my age and how people I interact with now are younger or older/engaged or married haha.
I compare it to my experience listening to music. I've recently begun to appreciate classical more. And as I'm sitting, bathing in the intricacies of it all, it's wonderful. Then you turn it off, and there's just emptiness (Don't get me wrong, I like silence, but for the sake of this analogy bare with me). There's an oppressive emptiness that just bears on you because it's not that pause before a build up or the dwindling of sound for dynamics. It's just empty. And that's how I feel for 40 hours a week. Empty. Smiles and giggles form talking to co-workers but my work is just empty. Sigh...
Will any job be perfect? By no means, I'm not stupid enough to think there's a perfect job. I think I just like staying busy and learning and helping, neither of which are really being fulfilled at my current job. And so I hate my job. And hating something your doing is just rough. I did that in college with a dumb math major. And now I'm doing it again with a job. Lolz. Funny thing, I don't actually hate support work itself. Talking to people and being able to help them is a nice feeling.
But the practicality of it all? I need a job. I need money. So I will work and when it comes down to it while I wouldn't mind having a bigger paycheck, I'd rather have something more fulfilling. So, it looks like my job search is going to start very shortly as opposed to mid year. And I'll be applying to both in C'ville and outside C'ville to be honest, cause C'ville ain't all that bad. And staying another year and really growing at Trinity/seeing the 3rd years now graduate would be a blessing. I can suck up this town for another year for that.
What triggered all this? My friend asking if I'm happy. And in the next couple days at work, this guy asked me, do you like it here? And we (co-worker and I) were both like, whoa loaded question. Haha. But I told him it's okay, I want to do something different, but overall it's okay. I can bear with it (... for now).
On the flip side... if I was ballsy and good enough for photography, I'd try man. But I'm not. So it's a hobby that I will continue to get better at hopefully. This is my whiny post, please don't hate on me too much. And don't be afraid of working. Dude, not bothering your parents for money is such a liberating feeling. I hated feeling like a leech (not that they thought of me that way, but you know what I mean). Feeling like ha, I contribute taxes to society that are a decent amount is sort of cool. Yes, I can tithe and give back and support in more than just prayers. Work is a gift guys. I'm just struggling to keep that mindset because while my co-workers who do the same job as me don't mind it, I do. My mindset and my personality are not wired to do this specific kind of work indefinitely.
And while I'm spewing out some frustration, I don't understand the whole oh look he has a Christian verse or the Cross tattooed onto him/her, so cool. Haha I can wear a cross necklace too and drive around with a fish on my car. I can wear a Christian shirt, and.... be an atheist lol. None of these things indicate you being a Christian. I could get flat out wasted wearing a GCF hoody and does that mean anything? Well I guess it accentuates hypocrisy? I dunno man, when did getting inked become cool? That being said I sorta want a tattoo, and I said I never would haha. But I prob won't. When it comes down to it... clearly by what I said above, I think they are sort of stupid. Be cool and don't get a tattoo and actually talk about your faith. That's legit. (yaya, but tattoos can bring up conversation, etc. etc. of course, or you can just bring it up.) If my fam died of an accident tho, I might get a small tattoo as a reminder. So I guess if the tattoo is a reminder for you that's cool. I just think the hype surrounding them is stupid and overrated cause in the end, it's just ink embedded deeply into your skin.
I hate my job. Not the company. Not the people. I just hate my job. It sucks. I understand how CJ feels now.
It's not even oh the monotony of work, I miss the freedom of college crap. I just hate my job. It offers minimal fulfillment. And you might say oh but it's so chill. And it is. I have lots of downtime. I can read articles, read the news, write out a bunch of blog posts that I will never post, send emails, chat the couple of people of that I have on gchat cause I've made it so you have to request to talk to me (but I don't really chat much at all, like honestly I don't). And... I mean ya. I sound whiny and pathetic right now. I know. At least you have a job right? True. And I think that's why it's taken me 9 months to realize how much I dislike my job lol.
I do all the work I need to ahead of time. I take on extra work. I do x, y, and z. And then boredom sets in again. I don't do anything challenging. I'm learning, but not enough to be valuable in another position. I'm studying by taking an online class, but realistically it doesn't look I can transfer positions internally like I hoped any time soon, if ever... and so it just sucks.
But fulfillment is really a matter of our generation compared to earlier generations, so what you're experiencing is really just a foolish passing issue just suck it up. Correct. And outside of work, I'm actually pretty happy. I have a lot of things going okay/well. Learning about God. Exercising. Community group. Even GCF to some extent. As much as I hate Charlottesville, it's not that bad. There are different things that go on once in a while, but I do want to live in a city, don't get me wrong. C'ville is aight tho, minus the lack of people my age and how people I interact with now are younger or older/engaged or married haha.
I compare it to my experience listening to music. I've recently begun to appreciate classical more. And as I'm sitting, bathing in the intricacies of it all, it's wonderful. Then you turn it off, and there's just emptiness (Don't get me wrong, I like silence, but for the sake of this analogy bare with me). There's an oppressive emptiness that just bears on you because it's not that pause before a build up or the dwindling of sound for dynamics. It's just empty. And that's how I feel for 40 hours a week. Empty. Smiles and giggles form talking to co-workers but my work is just empty. Sigh...
Will any job be perfect? By no means, I'm not stupid enough to think there's a perfect job. I think I just like staying busy and learning and helping, neither of which are really being fulfilled at my current job. And so I hate my job. And hating something your doing is just rough. I did that in college with a dumb math major. And now I'm doing it again with a job. Lolz. Funny thing, I don't actually hate support work itself. Talking to people and being able to help them is a nice feeling.
But the practicality of it all? I need a job. I need money. So I will work and when it comes down to it while I wouldn't mind having a bigger paycheck, I'd rather have something more fulfilling. So, it looks like my job search is going to start very shortly as opposed to mid year. And I'll be applying to both in C'ville and outside C'ville to be honest, cause C'ville ain't all that bad. And staying another year and really growing at Trinity/seeing the 3rd years now graduate would be a blessing. I can suck up this town for another year for that.
What triggered all this? My friend asking if I'm happy. And in the next couple days at work, this guy asked me, do you like it here? And we (co-worker and I) were both like, whoa loaded question. Haha. But I told him it's okay, I want to do something different, but overall it's okay. I can bear with it (... for now).
On the flip side... if I was ballsy and good enough for photography, I'd try man. But I'm not. So it's a hobby that I will continue to get better at hopefully. This is my whiny post, please don't hate on me too much. And don't be afraid of working. Dude, not bothering your parents for money is such a liberating feeling. I hated feeling like a leech (not that they thought of me that way, but you know what I mean). Feeling like ha, I contribute taxes to society that are a decent amount is sort of cool. Yes, I can tithe and give back and support in more than just prayers. Work is a gift guys. I'm just struggling to keep that mindset because while my co-workers who do the same job as me don't mind it, I do. My mindset and my personality are not wired to do this specific kind of work indefinitely.
And while I'm spewing out some frustration, I don't understand the whole oh look he has a Christian verse or the Cross tattooed onto him/her, so cool. Haha I can wear a cross necklace too and drive around with a fish on my car. I can wear a Christian shirt, and.... be an atheist lol. None of these things indicate you being a Christian. I could get flat out wasted wearing a GCF hoody and does that mean anything? Well I guess it accentuates hypocrisy? I dunno man, when did getting inked become cool? That being said I sorta want a tattoo, and I said I never would haha. But I prob won't. When it comes down to it... clearly by what I said above, I think they are sort of stupid. Be cool and don't get a tattoo and actually talk about your faith. That's legit. (yaya, but tattoos can bring up conversation, etc. etc. of course, or you can just bring it up.) If my fam died of an accident tho, I might get a small tattoo as a reminder. So I guess if the tattoo is a reminder for you that's cool. I just think the hype surrounding them is stupid and overrated cause in the end, it's just ink embedded deeply into your skin.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Spring Retreat Cont.
What do you have that you did not receive? 1 Corinthians 4:7
But another powerful moment in spring retreat was being humbled and frankly hurt. One of the more frustrating aspects of my life, is wanting to serve, but not being able to. At least in the way I hope or plan or expect. Maybe that's the problem though. I have in my mind what I want. And it seems right. It seems possible. One could say it almost seems noble. Haha. But don't get me wrong, I'm most definitely not noble. And the answer is no. At least for now. I'm seriously banking on that "for now" clause. If I wake up one day, and God tells me all my desires for serving in the future are wrong and will never happen, I might seriously have a, what is life???? moment. Haha... I feel like perhaps I'm just being humbled more than I ever wanted to. My dreams and aspirations ultimately must be sacrificed to God. Crazy man... I'll be learning and struggling with that throughout life.
I think we, we as in people who are Christian, can recognize specific moments where God has directly answered a prayer. I'm going to let you in on a secret. Sometimes I talk about myself to an invisible audience to help understand my mindset or situations better. Lately I've been trying to make it more spiritual/proper by putting God into the whole situation as what advice would I give this individual to help glorify God more. A couple nights ago was the first time in a while, that I can remember feeling the piece of God just sink in as I prayed. And... I was like woahhh..... God that's pretty awesome. Haha. Worst reaction ever, but you know what i mean.
"Love is the greatest motivation for living for God, for we will go above and beyond what is required" Good quote from Pastor Mike.
Random, it was my birthday this past week. I'm only 23 guys... crazy. Yes, I say only cause I look at the people working around me and they are in their late 20's or 30's, and they were like dang man you're so young. Although half of me is still like, you're already 23??? What the heck man, get it together, press onward haha. So I will press onward, I will fight, I will strive. And I will die. I will be humbled. I will cry. And in the end I only hope God receives glory from a broken vessel that I am.
Lol... a 23 year old that still sleeps with his 11 year old brother when he comes home. Loves. Part of me still is a kid. I hope it stays that way (in the healthiest, loving world sense).
- LOVE IS... being willing to have your life complicated by the needs and struggles of others without impatience or anger.
- LOVE IS... actively fighting the temptation to be critical and judgmental toward another while looking for ways to encourage and praise.
- LOVE IS... making a daily commitment to resist the needless moments of conflict that come from pointing out and responding to minor offenses.
- LOVE IS... being lovingly honest and humbly approachable in times of misunderstanding.
- LOVE IS... being more committed to unity and understanding than you are to winning, accusing, or being right.
- LOVE IS... a making a daily commitment to admit your sin, weakness, and failure and to resist the temptation to offer an excuse or shift the blame.
- LOVE IS... being willing, when confronted by another, to examine your heart rather than rising to your defense or shifting the focus.
- LOVE IS... making a daily commitment to grow in love so that the love you offer to another is increasingly selfless, mature, and patient.
- LOVE IS... being unwilling to do what is wrong when you have been wronged, but looking for concrete and specific ways to overcome evil with good.
- LOVE IS... being a good student of another, looking for their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs so that in some way you can remove the burden, support them as they carry it, or encourage them along the way.
- LOVE IS... being willing to invest the time necessary to discuss, examine, and understand the relational problems you face, staying on task until the problem is removed or you have agreed upon a strategy of response.
- LOVE IS... being willing to always ask for forgiveness and always being committed to grant forgiveness when it is requested.
- LOVE IS... recognizing the high value of trust in a relationship and being faithful to your promises and true to your word.
- LOVE IS... speaking kindly and gently, even in moments of disagreement, refusing to attack the other person's character or assault their intelligence.
- LOVE IS... being unwilling to flatter, lie, manipulate, or deceive in any way in order to co-opt the other person into giving you what you want or doing something your way.
- LOVE IS... being unwilling to ask another person to be the source of your identity, meaning, and purpose, or inner sense of well-being, while refusing to be the source of theirs.
- LOVE IS... the willingness to have less free time, less sleep, and a busier schedule in order to be faithful to what God has called you to be and to do as a spouse, parent, neighbor, etc.
- LOVE IS... a commitment to say no to selfish instincts and to do everything that is within your ability to promote real unity, functional understanding, and active love in your relationships.
- LOVE IS... staying faithful to your commitment to treat another with appreciation, respect, and grace, even in moments when the other person doesn't seem deserving or is unwilling to reciprocate.
- LOVE IS... the willingness to make regular and costly sacrifices for the sake of a relationship without asking for anything in return or using your sacrifices to place the other person in your debt.
- LOVE IS... being unwilling to make any personal decision or choice that would harm a relationship, hurt the other person, or weaken the bond of trust between you.
- LOVE IS... refusing to be self-focused or demanding, but instead looking for specific ways to serve, support, and encourage, even when you are busy or tired.
- LOVE IS... daily admitting to yourself, the other person, and God that you are unable to be driven by a cruciform love without God's protecting, providing, forgiving, rescuing, and delivering grace.
-- Paul Tripp
Truth right here, based on scripture. Love is not just solely a giddy emotion that causes you to put a ridiculous amount of meaning in the mundane. Or that thing we see all the time in movies or in songs. Certainly they capture elements of it, but the reality it is... that it's so much more. That being said, do I want to fall in love? Most certainly. But am I so mind boggingly scared of it? Why yes I am. Why? If you don't understand why, then you're young or too optimistic. Haha. But still I long for it. Cause I'm a freaking cliche loving, romantic at heart. Idiot.
I promised some more reflection on spring retreat, so here it is:
His grace is sufficient in all things
That one sentence sums up the entire retreat experience for me haha. There are nuances that are embedded within it. Christians must learn to live with questions. Suffering is expected. Other random topics he talked about, and I definitely enjoyed the pastor's messages, don't get me wrong. He was very practical, very real. And talking to him separately only affirmed that opinion. Although theologically, we differ on some things, I appreciate his whole attitude of let me give you food for thought. Cause he really gave me that, some things to munch on in my thoughts and some practical applications in my life.
I think we, we as in people who are Christian, can recognize specific moments where God has directly answered a prayer. I'm going to let you in on a secret. Sometimes I talk about myself to an invisible audience to help understand my mindset or situations better. Lately I've been trying to make it more spiritual/proper by putting God into the whole situation as what advice would I give this individual to help glorify God more. A couple nights ago was the first time in a while, that I can remember feeling the piece of God just sink in as I prayed. And... I was like woahhh..... God that's pretty awesome. Haha. Worst reaction ever, but you know what i mean.
"Love is the greatest motivation for living for God, for we will go above and beyond what is required" Good quote from Pastor Mike.
Random, it was my birthday this past week. I'm only 23 guys... crazy. Yes, I say only cause I look at the people working around me and they are in their late 20's or 30's, and they were like dang man you're so young. Although half of me is still like, you're already 23??? What the heck man, get it together, press onward haha. So I will press onward, I will fight, I will strive. And I will die. I will be humbled. I will cry. And in the end I only hope God receives glory from a broken vessel that I am.
Lol... a 23 year old that still sleeps with his 11 year old brother when he comes home. Loves. Part of me still is a kid. I hope it stays that way (in the healthiest, loving world sense).
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Sigh
Gov't job apps are too in depth. I completely forgot that and got owned trying to fill this one out. Oh well... I wasn't qualified anyways, but thought it wouldn't hurt to try. More in depth blog post forthcoming about Spring Retreat.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Tomorrow's Freedom Is Today's Surrender
Spring Retreat. A blessing. A challenge. Hurt, yet loved. Many different emotions swirled throughout the retreat, but ultimately... the powerful reminder. I am God's.
Tomorrow's freedom is today's surrender. One line from a song I just heard... Truth my friends. Truth.
I'll try to share some more about the retreat tomorrow, my personal highlights. I'm afraid there are somethings I won't write here. If you ask me in person, would I share? Quite possibly. And quite possibly not. :p
Couple quick things to share.
I was a co-leader for a station in Pilgrim's Progress at Spring Retreat that was called the Cross Carrying Station. It was pretty tiring. But it was humbling watching others carry it. It was humbling having to carry it so much myself. It was beautiful and painful.
At the end, the edges of the wooden cross, had dug lines across both my wrists from carrying it countless times. The slight abrasions criss-crossing about my wrists just caught my eyes, and I stared. For me, they reflected the countless times I wanted to cut myself. The countless times I would grab a knife and just hold it there. But they pointed not to my suffering this time ultimately, but to Jesus' suffering. His physical suffering, which I can only understand a fraction. To His spiritual suffering in the sense of the wrath of God, which I can only understand in part... God thank you. Thank you for letting me live. For saving me. For allowing me to come to faith. For protecting me. For forgiving me. For convicting me about my sin. For allowing and challenging me to grow, as well as die to myself. God, I can see how I've changed, and I know for a fact there's a super long journey ahead. And as much as I hate it at times, as much as I just want to die and just get out of this world, I will go Lord. I will continue.
I was somewhat sad coming back to C'ville. This is the first time in four years... I won't be going to Little Lights during a spring break. 4 years... good run man. I doubt anyone there remembers me (sorta goes with my personality of being forgettable, but the memories I have will remain with me forever). But what's even more powerful than me going (which quite possibly has caused more damage than good) is the desire to continue to pray, and donate money to them. Donating, but in reality just re-gifting what God has gifted me with.
Coming home to my apt was sorta sad because... being surrounded people seeking after God. Being in that community is powerful. And now it's just me again haha. But reality, it's all good. Reminders to continually turn back to God. And to just go before God. Am I experiencing a retreat high? Yes, I'm sure it's there. But am I also convicted in many ways? Yes. Time will tell though as always.
My caffeine intake over the past weekend is probably higher than all I've ingested this year so far. Lolz... worth tho.
Tomorrow's freedom is today's surrender. One line from a song I just heard... Truth my friends. Truth.
I'll try to share some more about the retreat tomorrow, my personal highlights. I'm afraid there are somethings I won't write here. If you ask me in person, would I share? Quite possibly. And quite possibly not. :p
Couple quick things to share.
I was a co-leader for a station in Pilgrim's Progress at Spring Retreat that was called the Cross Carrying Station. It was pretty tiring. But it was humbling watching others carry it. It was humbling having to carry it so much myself. It was beautiful and painful.
At the end, the edges of the wooden cross, had dug lines across both my wrists from carrying it countless times. The slight abrasions criss-crossing about my wrists just caught my eyes, and I stared. For me, they reflected the countless times I wanted to cut myself. The countless times I would grab a knife and just hold it there. But they pointed not to my suffering this time ultimately, but to Jesus' suffering. His physical suffering, which I can only understand a fraction. To His spiritual suffering in the sense of the wrath of God, which I can only understand in part... God thank you. Thank you for letting me live. For saving me. For allowing me to come to faith. For protecting me. For forgiving me. For convicting me about my sin. For allowing and challenging me to grow, as well as die to myself. God, I can see how I've changed, and I know for a fact there's a super long journey ahead. And as much as I hate it at times, as much as I just want to die and just get out of this world, I will go Lord. I will continue.
I was somewhat sad coming back to C'ville. This is the first time in four years... I won't be going to Little Lights during a spring break. 4 years... good run man. I doubt anyone there remembers me (sorta goes with my personality of being forgettable, but the memories I have will remain with me forever). But what's even more powerful than me going (which quite possibly has caused more damage than good) is the desire to continue to pray, and donate money to them. Donating, but in reality just re-gifting what God has gifted me with.
Coming home to my apt was sorta sad because... being surrounded people seeking after God. Being in that community is powerful. And now it's just me again haha. But reality, it's all good. Reminders to continually turn back to God. And to just go before God. Am I experiencing a retreat high? Yes, I'm sure it's there. But am I also convicted in many ways? Yes. Time will tell though as always.
My caffeine intake over the past weekend is probably higher than all I've ingested this year so far. Lolz... worth tho.
This song... hits. why? The brutal
honesty. No covering it up, no half truths. Just straight up, both about the
situation, and his lack of knowledge. This guy's lyrics in other songs are masterful my friend.
Random: If you use feedly, my blog name does not automatically update. If
you would like to update it, I think you have to unfollow my blog and then
refollow it. It is the same exact url tho, so pretty straight forward. It's just changing boy to man in the title tho, so not really any big deal.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Nostalgia
Love is never sure apart from commitment.
Love is never sane apart from conscience.
Love is never safe apart from character.
Love is never stimulated apart from community.
Love is never seized apart from courage.
-Art Lindsley, Love: The Ultimate Apologetic
This book summed up lol. But it's a good read.
If this person was Asian, instant crush.
http://www.demilked.com/watercolour-photography-selfportraits-aliza-razell/
Came home for the weekend. Blew so much money. Movie/eating/buying something for my brother/more eating. Haha. Did the Richmond trinity, pho, tt lounge, hot n' fresh krispy kreme. (I don't really cook at home. Why? It's not my stuff. It's my family's stuff, so I feel weird. Plus we just use different ingredients.)
But as I drove through Richmond, my heart just ached. Nostalgia man. I can't place my finger on why though. (Not on the nostalgia, but the aching). Is it the the roads that I drove on for so long? The places I frequented? The streets I ran on? The people? Friends, acquaintances, romantic interests?
Honestly, I don't know. All I know is that as I drove I got quiet, and my heart got heavy. It tugged at me and tugged, but towards what? Maybe to go back to those times when things were simpler? Things were more clear? Meh. While life could be better, I certainly am not opposed to where I'm at now. Regrets? Yes of course lol. But to go back? Nah... at least I don't think so.
Maybe it's just the wall of memories that I've repressed coming back at me in full force. I just felt like I could sit still/walk aimlessly for hours toying with the emotion, not truly thinking but feeling the emotion out persay. Letting it wash over me and fill me up. My question, do you guys go through this at all?
But this heavy heart business, I wonder am I really not that happy? I've certainly been quite busy, but I feel like overall, I've been content. Learning/talking/working/exercising. Maybe I'm just not as happy as I convince myself. Is there some deep seated unhappiness and pain that has lodged itself in me? Something that I haven't even realized/confronted/accepted?
Sigh what is wrong with me? haha. I have a job. I'm surviving on my own. I'm saving. I'm giving and tithing. I feed people. I study. I've got a community group. I'm in the process of joining a church I love. God has been ever more real and present in my life. I've learned that I need to forgive and love more. God is everything.
And yet... something is off. Maybe it's just that I'm lonely. Maybe I just miss old times when friends were near. When people would reach out to me, instead of me reaching out or opening up first? But people have reached out, so what is unsettling me? The fact that they aren't my peers? The fact that they reach out to me in the hopes of something? The lack of answer is well, unsettling. Inclinations exist, but in the end it's just like grabbing at smoke cause none of the inclinations lead to solid thoughts. Although all these inclinations have their own paths and importance. Cause I am lonely. I do miss old times. Etc.
In the end I'm stuck with this image that has been burned into my mind for some reason. I reach towards the sky with an open hand, and I reach as far as I can as if I can reach the sun. And I squeeze my hand, as if I can grasp something so powerful, so beautiful, so majestic. But in my hand is nothing. Yet for some reason, I'm okay with it, recognizing that my goal is still there. Christ continue to be the center of my being.
Maybe this spring retreat, I can do just that. Just walk around for hours lost in my thoughts, lost in nature. Or perhaps not lost, but blindly following the narrow path? Buahahaha.
I just don't feel settled in C'ville. Like it's a stop along the great journey, but not a place where I shall spend too long. Or maybe that's just me hoping to move to a city and see more of the world. Lolz. I give up. Just gotta do what I can.
Love is never sane apart from conscience.
Love is never safe apart from character.
Love is never stimulated apart from community.
Love is never seized apart from courage.
-Art Lindsley, Love: The Ultimate Apologetic
This book summed up lol. But it's a good read.
If this person was Asian, instant crush.
http://www.demilked.com/watercolour-photography-selfportraits-aliza-razell/
Came home for the weekend. Blew so much money. Movie/eating/buying something for my brother/more eating. Haha. Did the Richmond trinity, pho, tt lounge, hot n' fresh krispy kreme. (I don't really cook at home. Why? It's not my stuff. It's my family's stuff, so I feel weird. Plus we just use different ingredients.)
But as I drove through Richmond, my heart just ached. Nostalgia man. I can't place my finger on why though. (Not on the nostalgia, but the aching). Is it the the roads that I drove on for so long? The places I frequented? The streets I ran on? The people? Friends, acquaintances, romantic interests?
Honestly, I don't know. All I know is that as I drove I got quiet, and my heart got heavy. It tugged at me and tugged, but towards what? Maybe to go back to those times when things were simpler? Things were more clear? Meh. While life could be better, I certainly am not opposed to where I'm at now. Regrets? Yes of course lol. But to go back? Nah... at least I don't think so.
Maybe it's just the wall of memories that I've repressed coming back at me in full force. I just felt like I could sit still/walk aimlessly for hours toying with the emotion, not truly thinking but feeling the emotion out persay. Letting it wash over me and fill me up. My question, do you guys go through this at all?
But this heavy heart business, I wonder am I really not that happy? I've certainly been quite busy, but I feel like overall, I've been content. Learning/talking/working/exercising. Maybe I'm just not as happy as I convince myself. Is there some deep seated unhappiness and pain that has lodged itself in me? Something that I haven't even realized/confronted/accepted?
Sigh what is wrong with me? haha. I have a job. I'm surviving on my own. I'm saving. I'm giving and tithing. I feed people. I study. I've got a community group. I'm in the process of joining a church I love. God has been ever more real and present in my life. I've learned that I need to forgive and love more. God is everything.
And yet... something is off. Maybe it's just that I'm lonely. Maybe I just miss old times when friends were near. When people would reach out to me, instead of me reaching out or opening up first? But people have reached out, so what is unsettling me? The fact that they aren't my peers? The fact that they reach out to me in the hopes of something? The lack of answer is well, unsettling. Inclinations exist, but in the end it's just like grabbing at smoke cause none of the inclinations lead to solid thoughts. Although all these inclinations have their own paths and importance. Cause I am lonely. I do miss old times. Etc.
In the end I'm stuck with this image that has been burned into my mind for some reason. I reach towards the sky with an open hand, and I reach as far as I can as if I can reach the sun. And I squeeze my hand, as if I can grasp something so powerful, so beautiful, so majestic. But in my hand is nothing. Yet for some reason, I'm okay with it, recognizing that my goal is still there. Christ continue to be the center of my being.
Maybe this spring retreat, I can do just that. Just walk around for hours lost in my thoughts, lost in nature. Or perhaps not lost, but blindly following the narrow path? Buahahaha.
I just don't feel settled in C'ville. Like it's a stop along the great journey, but not a place where I shall spend too long. Or maybe that's just me hoping to move to a city and see more of the world. Lolz. I give up. Just gotta do what I can.
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