The mighty have fallen aka I think vacuum cleaners are sorta cool... Cause you want to get a good one ya know? Or I find cooking utensils more and more interesting, for example did you know that there's different quality of ceramic layering of cast iron? I mean logically makes sense, but reading about it is sort of interesting. Also sales on food seem that much more interesting to me. But no lie... my interest in cooking has grown exponentially. I watch a lot of cooking videos these days, maybe one day I can make most of them (Not that I consider myself mighty in any way, it's just that phrase). I feel like overall my cooking has improved slightly tho, due to watching and getting ideas.
Minor rant. You know people spend way too much time with other Christians (exclusively) when they assume that every Christian they meet has gone to church their whole life. I really like Trinity don't get me wrong. Most of the people I've met assume that I've always been going to church. Does that concern me? Yes. It gives an impression that most people have done that... so where are the people that have been recently saved? Of course there's the argument of oh, I went to church my whole life and just recently gave my life to Christ. I'm not discounting that. But it doesn't strike me as the best thing when people do that. Cause I didn't go to church my whole life, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Now that being said, I got to eat dinner with a married couple that invited me and another couple that I met over for dinner as outreach through Trinity who made this assumption (along with many others I've met there) hence the trigger for the rant, but I actually enjoyed the dinner a lot.
But you guys ready for this? There's a huge difference between transparency and vulnerability. Duh right? But let's play it out.
Transparency is like having a glass wall between you and the other person. They can see everything.
Vulnerability is like giving that other person a scalpel to help cut you open and fix you.
Now in writing it's like meh. But this is so deep or at least it was when I heard it this past Thursday at small group. Why? Because I can be transparent, no not about everything (I'm trying though), but about most things. If I'm not transparent with you completely about everything, it's probably 1) I don't trust you completely or 2) You never share even though I have, which really leads to 1. Or I'm afraid of your opinion changing of me, but as time goes on I realize more and more, so what. If you decide to hate me, you're completely free to do so, and to be honest I don't blame you. But if that's the outcome then we were never really friends in the first place, you just liked the version of me, you wanted to like. For the most part tho, I consider myself more or less transparent (if you feel otherwise you can let me know, and maybe we can meet up and talk and I can clean that glass for you some more, but maybe what I consider being transparent you don't or vice versa).
But being vulnerable is very hard for me. Why? Well I think it's universally hard, but for me personally, it's hard because very few people do I trust to that extent. Some people I innately trust, like a pastor at a retreat or something. Some people will never earn that trust, aka if I've seen you blab to others. Or maybe I just don't respect you enough to really hand you a knife to cut me open (which sounds judgmental I know. I like most people and respect/appreciate many qualities/gifts people have, but will I respect you enough to bare my soul? completely different). To let your words fundamentally rock me because I consider your opinion and your thoughts super insightful and worthy of the hours of reflection that I would put in. Or your words can be so uplifting that the joy I receive let's praise God for you as well as just being happier. Cause that's scary. Not in an idol focused way, while that danger is there, but in a truly brother bond (or possibly sister, but I think the only woman that will achieve that level will be my spouse, should I marry. that being said, I do value some women's thoughts greatly), relationship that carries a lot of weight way.
Transparency is hard guys. Vulnerability can be down right suicidal. Cause then family issues can wreck you. Friendships where you realize the only reason that you guys meet is because you initiate and as soon as you stop it ends, will hurt you more than they really should. Personalities are different of course, which lead to different interactions. But I think I'm a believer in lack of effort from the other person for x amount of time (where x varies with the individual and relationship) can only mean the relationship isn't as important to them (or you). I can understand the whole oh man it's been forever and still be close aspect. But close and vulnerable are different to me. I need both don't get me wrong, but there's a distinction on some level. All this means you try for relationships you value, but after some point, it's don't kill yourself by overextending. That individual is not best to be vulnerable to. That scalpel you gave them can best be used by someone else. This all sounds disgustingly self-centered as I read it. But I'm being honest with you, if I don't operate this way, I will go crazy.
All this to say, what a powerful distinction man. I never thought of it that way until my leader made the distinction. If I'm vulnerable with you it's because I trust you whole heatedly, and I will come to you for advice and in times of need. You are that lifelong relationship that I treasure. If I'm close to you, your opinion matters and if you begin to dislike me, I'll be sad, but I'll move on.
Sigh if you're offended by any of this, don't hate me. It's not in anyway directed towards targeting any individuals specifically. Just thoughts that have been mulling for a while now. I really don't have anyone that I dislike or anything. It's just I have to draw lines or watch my heart crumble into more pieces. I liken it to my car. It's been hit several times now and had some replacement parts, some visible, and some not so visible, but the damage is still there. I don't want to see it explode on me or something lol, by pushing past my human limits. Of course God gives me strength, which is why I make the effort to open my circle of vulnerability and to be more transparent. It's just hard.
One prayer request: I am tired all the time these days even if I sleep early. I thought Spring Retreat would be a good time of rest like deep soul rest, but even if I try to do that these days... it's unfruitful.
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