Nostalgia

Love is never sure apart from commitment.
Love is never sane apart from conscience.
Love is never safe apart from character.
Love is never stimulated apart from community.
Love is never seized apart from courage.
-Art Lindsley, Love: The Ultimate Apologetic

This book summed up lol. But it's a good read.

If this person was Asian, instant crush.
http://www.demilked.com/watercolour-photography-selfportraits-aliza-razell/

Came home for the weekend. Blew so much money. Movie/eating/buying something for my brother/more eating. Haha. Did the Richmond trinity, pho, tt lounge, hot n' fresh krispy kreme. (I don't really cook at home. Why? It's not my stuff. It's my family's stuff, so I feel weird. Plus we just use different ingredients.)

But as I drove through Richmond, my heart just ached. Nostalgia man. I can't place my finger on why though. (Not on the nostalgia, but the aching). Is it the the roads that I drove on for so long? The places I frequented? The streets I ran on? The people? Friends, acquaintances, romantic interests?

Honestly, I don't know. All I know is that as I drove I got quiet, and my heart got heavy. It tugged at me and tugged, but towards what? Maybe to go back to those times when things were simpler? Things were more clear? Meh. While life could be better, I certainly am not opposed to where I'm at now. Regrets? Yes of course lol. But to go back? Nah... at least I don't think so.

Maybe it's just the wall of memories that I've repressed coming back at me in full force. I just felt like I could sit still/walk aimlessly for hours toying with the emotion, not truly thinking but feeling the emotion out persay. Letting it wash over me and fill me up. My question, do you guys go through this at all?

But this heavy heart business, I wonder am I really not that happy? I've certainly been quite busy, but I feel like overall, I've been content. Learning/talking/working/exercising. Maybe I'm just not as happy as I convince myself. Is there some deep seated unhappiness and pain that has lodged itself in me? Something that I haven't even realized/confronted/accepted?

Sigh what is wrong with me? haha. I have a job. I'm surviving on my own. I'm saving. I'm giving and tithing. I feed people. I study. I've got a community group. I'm in the process of joining a church I love. God has been ever more real and present in my life. I've learned that I need to forgive and love more. God is everything.

And yet... something is off. Maybe it's just that I'm lonely. Maybe I just miss old times when friends were near. When people would reach out to me, instead of me reaching out or opening up first? But people have reached out, so what is unsettling me? The fact that they aren't my peers? The fact that they reach out to me in the hopes of something? The lack of answer is well, unsettling. Inclinations exist, but in the end it's just like grabbing at smoke cause none of the inclinations lead to solid thoughts. Although all these inclinations have their own paths and importance. Cause I am lonely. I do miss old times. Etc.

In the end I'm stuck with this image that has been burned into my mind for some reason. I reach towards the sky with an open hand, and I reach as far as I can as if I can reach the sun. And I squeeze my hand, as if I can grasp something so powerful, so beautiful, so majestic. But in my hand is nothing. Yet for some reason, I'm okay with it, recognizing that my goal is still there. Christ continue to be the center of my being.

Maybe this spring retreat, I can do just that. Just walk around for hours lost in my thoughts, lost in nature. Or perhaps not lost, but blindly following the narrow path? Buahahaha.

I just don't feel settled in C'ville. Like it's a stop along the great journey, but not a place where I shall spend too long. Or maybe that's just me hoping to move to a city and see more of the world. Lolz. I give up. Just gotta do what I can.