One of my prayer requests lately has been for insight. Why? Cause I've been feeling unsettled/like something is off for a bit now, and finally I've had my revelation.
I hate my job. Not the company. Not the people. I just hate my job. It sucks. I understand how CJ feels now.
It's not even oh the monotony of work, I miss the freedom of college crap. I just hate my job. It offers minimal fulfillment. And you might say oh but it's so chill. And it is. I have lots of downtime. I can read articles, read the news, write out a bunch of blog posts that I will never post, send emails, chat the couple of people of that I have on gchat cause I've made it so you have to request to talk to me (but I don't really chat much at all, like honestly I don't). And... I mean ya. I sound whiny and pathetic right now. I know. At least you have a job right? True. And I think that's why it's taken me 9 months to realize how much I dislike my job lol.
I do all the work I need to ahead of time. I take on extra work. I do x, y, and z. And then boredom sets in again. I don't do anything challenging. I'm learning, but not enough to be valuable in another position. I'm studying by taking an online class, but realistically it doesn't look I can transfer positions internally like I hoped any time soon, if ever... and so it just sucks.
But fulfillment is really a matter of our generation compared to earlier generations, so what you're experiencing is really just a foolish passing issue just suck it up. Correct. And outside of work, I'm actually pretty happy. I have a lot of things going okay/well. Learning about God. Exercising. Community group. Even GCF to some extent. As much as I hate Charlottesville, it's not that bad. There are different things that go on once in a while, but I do want to live in a city, don't get me wrong. C'ville is aight tho, minus the lack of people my age and how people I interact with now are younger or older/engaged or married haha.
I compare it to my experience listening to music. I've recently begun to appreciate classical more. And as I'm sitting, bathing in the intricacies of it all, it's wonderful. Then you turn it off, and there's just emptiness (Don't get me wrong, I like silence, but for the sake of this analogy bare with me). There's an oppressive emptiness that just bears on you because it's not that pause before a build up or the dwindling of sound for dynamics. It's just empty. And that's how I feel for 40 hours a week. Empty. Smiles and giggles form talking to co-workers but my work is just empty. Sigh...
Will any job be perfect? By no means, I'm not stupid enough to think there's a perfect job. I think I just like staying busy and learning and helping, neither of which are really being fulfilled at my current job. And so I hate my job. And hating something your doing is just rough. I did that in college with a dumb math major. And now I'm doing it again with a job. Lolz. Funny thing, I don't actually hate support work itself. Talking to people and being able to help them is a nice feeling.
But the practicality of it all? I need a job. I need money. So I will work and when it comes down to it while I wouldn't mind having a bigger paycheck, I'd rather have something more fulfilling. So, it looks like my job search is going to start very shortly as opposed to mid year. And I'll be applying to both in C'ville and outside C'ville to be honest, cause C'ville ain't all that bad. And staying another year and really growing at Trinity/seeing the 3rd years now graduate would be a blessing. I can suck up this town for another year for that.
What triggered all this? My friend asking if I'm happy. And in the next couple days at work, this guy asked me, do you like it here? And we (co-worker and I) were both like, whoa loaded question. Haha. But I told him it's okay, I want to do something different, but overall it's okay. I can bear with it (... for now).
On the flip side... if I was ballsy and good enough for photography, I'd try man. But I'm not. So it's a hobby that I will continue to get better at hopefully. This is my whiny post, please don't hate on me too much. And don't be afraid of working. Dude, not bothering your parents for money is such a liberating feeling. I hated feeling like a leech (not that they thought of me that way, but you know what I mean). Feeling like ha, I contribute taxes to society that are a decent amount is sort of cool. Yes, I can tithe and give back and support in more than just prayers. Work is a gift guys. I'm just struggling to keep that mindset because while my co-workers who do the same job as me don't mind it, I do. My mindset and my personality are not wired to do this specific kind of work indefinitely.
And while I'm spewing out some frustration, I don't understand the whole oh look he has a Christian verse or the Cross tattooed onto him/her, so cool. Haha I can wear a cross necklace too and drive around with a fish on my car. I can wear a Christian shirt, and.... be an atheist lol. None of these things indicate you being a Christian. I could get flat out wasted wearing a GCF hoody and does that mean anything? Well I guess it accentuates hypocrisy? I dunno man, when did getting inked become cool? That being said I sorta want a tattoo, and I said I never would haha. But I prob won't. When it comes down to it... clearly by what I said above, I think they are sort of stupid. Be cool and don't get a tattoo and actually talk about your faith. That's legit. (yaya, but tattoos can bring up conversation, etc. etc. of course, or you can just bring it up.) If my fam died of an accident tho, I might get a small tattoo as a reminder. So I guess if the tattoo is a reminder for you that's cool. I just think the hype surrounding them is stupid and overrated cause in the end, it's just ink embedded deeply into your skin.
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