Interstellar and God???

So this is a brief post... after a long hiatus.

Life is crazy.

But more importantly, I saw Interstellar this past Monday. First third is less than enthralling, but the last two-thirds are great for the most part.

However, I feel like what the main character goes through is in one sense what it means to have pre-destination and free will exhibited. Not exact, but at least a display that sort of makes sense.

When he's in the black hole, he attributes it to more developed humans, but let's say that's God at work, and the black hole is a place of higher understanding almost Heaven like. In this state, he sees the effects of all his actions with a higher sense of clarity. He also sees how his actions in many sense are orchestrated to some extent, and the influence upon his actions, by all the books he drops etc. However, in all those moments, it is him that does all the actions. It is him who "chose" everything.

Okay, this isn't exact at all because hey he's influencing his own actions, but in the realm of someone else observing it all and providing momentum.

The real thing is that the entire time he really thinks he's done everything of his own volition, but in one sense he hasn't. Ugh... I can't explain it well, but the idea is there. For lack of a better way, I can feel it.

Maybe if I wasn't blogging at work, I could flesh this out more. Oh well. But watch Interstellar, and tell me you can't get a glimpse of what I'm saying! haha.

Heartbreak...

I applied for two new jobs today. Getting real. I also got a new phone (like 4 days ago?), crazy! Good bye iphone 3g(s?). Welcome to new age phones that are pretty much too big, but whatevs. One plus one for anyone that's interested. Although I'll try to post a pic of both phones side by side.

On a much more sobering note.

.......

Read the link above please. I am not jaded about humanity, I just have no hope in it. But there is hope in Christ. If you don't like this line then I'm sorry. Maybe we can discuss it at some point? I think it sounds much harsher than I actually feel, but that really is more or less my baseline. And how can it not be when I hear about these kinds of things, and I know that everyone is capable of it to an extent. If we take Jesus' words seriously in Matthew 5, then I myself have done the same. Ugh...

Thanks be to God for His Son. Seriously... prayers. But I hate people posting on fbook omg this is terrible. You know what, open your eyes! And don't give me some crap on fbook on oooo look at me doing something, omg I'm so sad cause of some event, now I'm doing something so fun again or whatever. If you're affected by it, be affected by it! Pray about it! Take it seriously. Talk to your friends about it. Don't think that doing something stupid on fbook like your status all of a sudden makes a difference. Make it intentional. Reach out one on one. Don't assume fbook is enough, but scream out into your community prayer! And see it happen! I dunno...

But to be fair, I'm sure it does help to post it. If it helps one person gain awareness, then my ranting is stupid cause it's built on so many assumptions. Haha.

I am happy, and yet I am so sad. God... help us please.

1 Week

Mise-en-Place I've realized over the past couple weeks that I love having a clean kitchen. In fact... I really do like cooking. Wow... it's just so cool. I need to get better tho, and start to cook more of a variety of things.

Wow... so cute.

What is up? I actually don't have anything deep or profound to say or share. And as I'm writing this, I've got a headache because I'm sleep deprived. Crazy.

Another realization, I like order for the most part. Chaos in small doses. I also like being busy.

I also really love my church. Every sunday service there's a prayer session for the community or whatever needs have been shared or for whatever ministry shared some updates. Today the prayer was focused on the world, and all the crazy things going on. That was a clincher of hey, this church shares the heart for things I see. This church.... is in many ways what I hope for more churches to be like.

God thank you for saving me. Thank you for so many things. But let me stay humble. And let me be rooted in prayer.

My small group leader this past Thursday really reminded me of the importance of prayer, and trusting in God fully. Whoah.

So many whoah's... Sleep well friends.

Oh prayers appreciated for my job situation too! I think I'm going to start applying elsewhere, but I just got a promotion and a small raise... but I think they should be paying more, I just don't feel comfortable pushing the limits because I don't know what the limits are... Navigating salary is so difficult. Such a freaking headache. Ugh. Any tips would be super duper appreciated. I guess I can try to get another offer, and negotiate. But I'm sure that if I stay, come next review in like February/March, I could ask for another raise and get it. I dunno tho... it's really just sort of complicated/annoying. But real talk, I'm just getting bored and I feel underutilized. Both are bad things. I know I'm underpaid, I'm bored, I feel underutilized. Yet... it's a chill job. They sent me to Asia, and if I might be able to go again. I can work home whenever I want, although I rarely do. I should tho. Just go somewhere, but I need to have the ability to have quiet to make phone calls if necessary. Ugh that's the real hard part. They also paid for some classes I took. Maybe I should try to take some more classes... hmmm. I actually don't mind my job too much when it comes down to it (although some days I just want to scream).I guess I just want to feel the waters. But the job market in C'ville is not exactly that wide... Oh well. TBD cause too much to think about right now.

I also really want to do a hyperlapse video ahh.

Whoahhh

Seriously whoah. That is all.

Birdy

Overwhelming the feels. She's so amazing. Sigh.

I think there's an emotional/mental/physical limit that I am fast approaching... Emotionally and mentally due to quite possibly some of the biggest decisions I've made in recent years/maybe my life? Okay, life might be a stretch but at the very least it feels that way. Physically cause either I'm not sleeping well or maybe I should sleep more, but either way my body is like yoooo...zzz...

Ugh.

Small update. I was asked this past Monday (3 days ago) to consider serving in Japan for a year. From September to July, and the missionary couple said if I wanted to stay longer they'd love it. Well I guess as long as they like me, right?

Aka I have less than a week to decide in order to give enough time to quit my company. Aka so many life decisions on hold? Aka... testing my character? Aka... so befuddled. Ugh.

My life could be a drama for the past two months says a friend.

My Manic Merling Menagerie filled with Many Marklings Mucking Mayhem Marvelously.
Except there's only one Markling. Lolol. Making myself laugh is a healthy skill I think.

So many things that I weigh in my mind. And ultimately I just sorta stare into space asking God for clarity. The person who told me about the opportunity prayed for me and was like God would you speak to him through Your Word and his dreams. And I'm like dude... God if you spoke to me in my dreams, that'd be pretty cool and helpful and simple and amazing and a blessing. It's never happened to me before, and now would be a pretty cool time for it to happen. Just saying in a human way that might be blaspheming on some level. Forgive me.

Curve balls

I think God's got jokes. Like serious jokes. Like OMG I'm so funny kind of jokes...

For example, I've been praying for clarity for the past little over a month in a specific situation/area of my life and sometime before that in reflection/preparation for that. And then He's like "You want clarity? Riddle me this, young one."

And all I can say is "WHATTTTTTT IS GOING ONNNNN??!!!!!!!"

Ugh. I mean thank you God, but ugh.

Uncleanliness

It's interesting how many laws are written in the Old Testament about cleanliness. Some that seem serious and some that seem trivial in our eyes. But it seems like a very public, a very community thing. For better or worse. How could it be worse? Cause not everyone is going to be loving or forgiving or whatever you want to fill in. Yet, it's beautiful. There is accountability, there is real community. There is real desire for holiness, for God although... maybe legalistic?

This is the first time this has really hit me while reading Deuteronomy. So if you've read this before or made this observation please forgive me. But having to go out of the city at those times for the day or whatever period of time because you have been deemed unclean, that's crazy if you really think about it. At least to me it is. Of course not everyone will know the reason you have to leave cause it could have been for any number of things, but I wonder do you walk out in the middle of the street? Darting from shadow to shadow? Haha.

Or not just leaving the community, but covering your poop in a certain manner. So many different things regulated/thought about. Almost every action must be pre-meditated. Gosh... must have been hard to live yolo haha.

A Godly community... like a real Godly one. Crazy to imagine. Like crazy in a wow, I wonder what it's like way. Heaven scares and excites me on so many levels. Sigh this wedding man was all like God saying to me, yo remember Me. Love Me. Serve Me. Follow Me. Worship Me. And I'm like whoah... when did my focus shift? Gottemz. Let me truly treasure this gift of life, in a good and a pleasing way. A super aha moment... as I forgot my mom's bday even though I made it part of my password to remember it... gg. I just suck with bdays. If I forgot yours, it's nothing personal.

I also was reminded that there are free online classes I want to take. Time to seize the day.

And I just realized... maybe I will just move to the Philippines one day. If all else fails, I could just work from there for SNL and still get paid a USA salary. Work night shifts and hate my life, but explore Asia. You can get tickets from there to Korea for less $100!! I would be Asia master within a year. And then I'd have burnout from night shift haha. And come back to the USA.

Pics to be uploaded... eventually. I think I give up on this pic a day thing. Maybe after I move and things get finalized. Ahhh. I'm moving today. Ahh I still don't have a place to live. Ahhh, my heart goes through so many ups and downs... I wonder what the breaking point is. Or maybe there isn't a breaking point? I know not.

2 Pics

Pugedon Plastic Bottle Vending Machine

Absolutely brilliant.

Peter Sedlacik, Zuzu Galova - Lens Between Us

This... is pretty cute.

Sorry for posting late, but here's two pics. I feel like I should post something deep and opening. But... I don't have anything coming to mind as of right now. Other than... I love walking along the beach. It's so relaxing and inspiring. I also could see lightning in the distance and part of me was just awed.

Photo 1 from yesterday. I'm digging the lomo effect from using... my crappy camera phone haha.

Photo 2 from today.

Randomness

When they play dance songs from the 90's... and you know 2 of them max? Ya... definitely out of touch with pop culture. I knew most of the chill music they played in the background during the reception at least?

Whoahhh

I got to go to my second wedding this year. 2 down and 1 left. My bank account is missing some extra dollars cause of this but totes worth it. Super honored just to have been invited.

JK and EK.... cray cray. But I'm happy for them. I realized tho that I don't do well at GCF reunions. They remind me of a simple truth, I never belonged. Haha. But what is belonging? Having a big group of friends that you can always feel tight with whenever you see them? Maybe belong isn't the right word. Maybe I'm just being stupid??? Maybe I'm right. Maybe I just suck at big groups. Maybe I'm just too awkward. Maybe a lot of people just don't like me. Maybe it's a mix of everything? Ahhh.

But regardless, wheee for weddings. I could see J and E cheesing like crazy. Shoot, I know I was.

Real talk tho. Driving back an hour (cause the reception was freaking far) and jamming out to Shane and Shane, hearing your voice crack cause it's too high, windows down with the wind blowing into your face is so... amazing. I forgot to mention driving at night, which makes things more mystical. And all the while you remember God's greatness. You remember His amazingness. And you remember that you're His. And bam... peace.

Today's been a whoah day for me on so many levels. Whoah on driving and having someone relatively near for 2 hours haha. Eating lunch/catching up with an old roommate. Seeing a bunch of people who I haven't talked to and well, some of them I didn't talk to. Seeing two older people and actually having a semi-meaningful small talk. As in life, not blah blah blah, at least to me it was real talk. Seeing two people forever joined while here on this Earth. Watching a pro photographer at work, wondering if I could do that. But simply being reminded of God's greatness.

Congrats JEK! And thank you and God bless you. Not that either one of you have or will probably ever read this haha. But I'm smiling and will go to bed smiling knowing I saw something beautiful today. Praise be to God!

Whoah... so much God in this post. Random, I think I'm going to try to post 1 photo everyday for a month. People do it for a year... ya I don't think I can. Let's start with a month and go from there. Starting tomorrow...

Alcohol

I've got this weird interest in alcohol. I do think it's fascinating how people make it and stuff.

I had my first incredibly bad experience with alcohol. And honestly... so stupid. So I guess this is my public good-bye to alcohol.

Except for the small amount I get from communion at Trinity, since they use real wine. And I guess if people do champagne for toasting at a wedding, I'll drink that to be polite. And maybe the occasional tasting or something cause it's useful for cooking? Lol at these caveats.

But seriously... good bye. There's a beer in my fridge if anyone wants to drink it for me.

Rain Revisited

WHY IS IT SO AMAZINGGGGGGG?

Walking/running in the rain. Getting in caught in it is so... cathartic. It makes me feel like the world is copacetic. Sigh. So amazing. (Except for changing my shirt when I get back/wet clothes at work).

Until, it rains too much and my frisbee game is cancelled. Sigh. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

Also I thought of this a week ago, but life is about engaging not escaping. I thought it was so simple and deep. And life is also about trying. Dive head first (with prayer), and see what happens. What's the worst that can happen? Well maybe don't think about worst... but the most probably negative?

Sometimes... (Part 7 Final)

You want to drive forever but you can't cause you don't have gas and you have work the next day. So you settle for sitting and thinking until who knows when. I guess until my body says gg which will probably be soon. Lol dat working life tho.

Normal stream of thought posts with random lengths to resume from now on. Whenever they get written. Haha.

Sometimes... (Part 6)

You stare out your window and see a black figure walking across the street, and you bolt out. There's an awkward moment of hey... do you remember me? And then it runs over purring and nyahhing and running around your legs and you pet it, and it keeps on rubbing against you until you get inside. And there it redoubles it's efforts. :) :) :) You try to feed it an egg and fail (cause I read cats can eat eggs), but it's okay. You just sit there lost in the moment... You even set up the litter box, and dutifully clean it out once business is taken care of.

Then 45 minutes later... the magic is gone. And it wants out. You open the door and it chills outside before deciding it's done here and moves on.

Cats are stupid... sigh. So amazing, yet they destroy any affections without a second thought. But if it came back... I'd prob welcome it. Good bye :(

This is why dogs are the best. A puppy would not have done that to me. Haha.

Sometimes... (Part 5)

You're reading a book where every 3 pages you want to write a huge blog post about it, but instead you keep on reading cause it's gripping in an informative, inspiring, non-fictional kind of way. And you stare outside hoping to catch a glimpse of what you once considered a friend while listening to chill music and slowly keeping track of your thoughts.

Day 3 of not seeing my potential friend. Guess it's over :( Unless it randomly appears. And before anyone gets weird ideas, I'm talking about this stray cat that followed me one night and then visited me a couple times. Stole my heart, and even caused me to buy some cat stuff.

Sometimes... (Part 4)

You struggle to find the balance between enjoying life and crying over tragedies... but endorphins from frisbee (aka world's greatest sport) help a fair amount.

Day two of not seeing a friend that I thought I could spend the next couple years at least of my life with or at the very least the next month or so...

Sometimes... (part 2)

You open your door numerous times and go for a 30 minute walk. To catch a glimpse of something that's probably long since forgotten you.

And then you sit in front of a computer and type a stupid post like this.

Sometimes...

you can't believe what just happened.

Dat feeling

Of your heart thumping, millions of thoughts racing through my mind like a whirlwind.

Life, crazy business at work, life, crazy business, life. LIFE. Bahh.

On the verge of giddiness and confusion and the world spins. And nothing gets done in my head. Except my work. Cause I want to keep my job. haha.

Homeless

The very real fear that my lease ends at the end of July, and I don't have any options for living nor do I have another job yet, so I might be homeless...

Dang...

Well I guess I can move home... bleh

Tears

People have two types of faces.. light and dark. Haha. I would like to believe this but that's bogus. We are multi-faceted on so many levels, to try to draw a line of light and dark is foolish. Oh anime, you're wrong.

But this show made tears flow freely. A cartoon right? Making me cry? But there is a level of truth in this show. It mentions how it's incredibly scary to longer be affected by death. And for me crying was a relief... I'm still human. For those of you still laughing at the fact that I cried to an anime... trust me. When you see blatant bigotry that ends in murder of children and it hauntingly resembles reality, you can't help but cry. Cause it's happened, and it continues to happen. All around the world people are dying. War is occurring, people fight, argue, steal, kidnap, lie, murder. It's heart breaking, it's ridiculously disturbing.

Yet we are so desensitized. We will hear on the news about something and immediately jump back to facebook. Maybe we share the article as a way of saying hey look at this? But then what happens? Greater awareness that... does not lead to action? People like me writing bitter articles on their blogs? Or perhaps we are swept up in the mob mentality, let's have more war. Let's bring punishment. Death to those who hurt us...

Sigh... but it's scary guys. We love our movies that glorify violence, but violence is really scary. A part of me really wants to get into a fight, just to see what will happen. Will I get wrecked? Will I wreck? Will it be my drug trip as adrenaline pours in, as I feel the satisfaction of causing pain? Will I cringe in fear after seeing what I've done? Will I just be knocked out in the first blow?

I dunno... all I know is I'm very much afraid of humanity and very much in love with it.

All of this and many thoughts and emotions swirl around and around as I listened to this song on repeat for two hours. Hauntingly beautiful. In the Hobbit, there exists a common enemy, a common goal (for the most part). I guess, my only real goal belongs to Christ. But it'd be so much easier if there was a clearer delineation, a more united front. If something as clear cut as violence was approved.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fngvQS_PmQ

Note: I got to see some of my close friends from Mexico this past Saturday... ugh. The feels. And I attended my first wedding of friends ever. It was anti-climactic, but part of it is probably because I missed the ceremony due to the amazing nova traffic of a one hour drive turning in to 2.5 hours.

12 Hours

12 hours of what? 12 hours of driving roughly in the past 3 days, and really maybe 13. Holy moly.

And yet I feel okay. My body feels a bit out of whack, but nothing too bad. I guess I'm not all that old.

Honestly, each day had it's own highlight:
Friday - Concert
Saturday - Baltimore to see old Ichthus kids, chilling with friends
Sunday - Friends and then wedding.

One Republic is pretty sick live, and with the Script as an opener, can't complain. But have to say One Republic just got another new fan. Thanks to my sources for dem tickets and for good company.

Honestly, seeing Ichthus peeps brought back a flood of memories. And I wanted to cry because I could only see them for like 45 minutes... sigh. But seriously, surreal, and even now I can't really believe I saw them. Why did I want to cry? Nostalgia, joy, and sadness cause it was so short. I may never see these guys again until Heaven provided we both end up there. Ahhhh. Life changing experience revisited, and people re-seen. And of the guys was about to cry as we said goodbye. Gg heart. Gg.

What was the downside of this weekend? Besides the crazy driving... some random reminders popped up. Reminders of the simple fact that I've wreaked some good old destruction in some of my friendships or lack there of. Which makes me wonder, if things are awkward here what will it be like in Heaven? Will we all just apologize again and rejoice in God? Will we just not care as in we forget or let go immediately? Curious.

But regardless lots o fun this weekend. And being able to witness an older brother's wedding (albeit I showed up mad late and missed the ceremony, thanks NOVA traffic) was amazingly heartwarmingly beautiful. Yes I just said amazingly heartwarminly, deal with it. So cute. So cute. Can't wait to crash at their place and see how they interact with each other hahaha :) Call me annoying if you want, but I love this guy, and being to get to know his wife better and observe both of them develop would be an honor and blessing. Plus I'm gonna be the best uncle ever to their kids. For real.

New discovery: Driving at night on backgrounds with the windows open and music playing in the background to just audible but not too loud is incredibly cathartic. The black emptiness, the rush of sound from wind, with a touch of melody, creates an experience that is... lovely. Note to self, do this more often. Not conducive to conversation, but conducive to interacting with the self.

Another interesting note: as effed up as I am, I'm much better at dealing with it than I used to be. Praise be to God :)

Another another interesting note: I insa-ed to this person with the Mexico kids to a chaperone by default. I just assumed older and wanted to show respect. She laughed awkwardly and said I don't have to. Pops up my facebook... I'm older. Haha. Whoops!

Helpless

Unless the LORD builds the house,

those who build it labor in vain.

Unless the LORD watches over the city,

the watchman stays awake in vain.2

It is in vain that you rise up early

and go late to rest,

eating the bread of anxious toil;

for he gives to his beloved sleep.
3

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,

the fruit of the womb a reward.4

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior

are the children of one’s youth.5

Blessed is the man

who fills his quiver with them!

He shall not be put to shame

when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.


Dang peace from God. But then

http://www.cnn.com/2014/06/25/world/meast/syria-isis-schoolboys/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

What is this? Why... that's all I can really say. Right now I'm concerned with the World Cup, exercising, friends, family, looking for a new job (not in any particular order), but what worth does any of that have in the light of this? (They all have plenty of worth mind you... well maybe not the World Cup). But if I was there wouldn't I feel helpless as I saw it happening around me? If I was in a position of power wouldn't I still feel helpless as I am bound to so many rules and regulations that prevent swift action, or perhaps public opinion is of great importance? Regardless, there are reasons to feel helpless.

And all the while... things like this, things worse than this that I will never hear about, will continue on. What is this? Life is not a box of chocolates. It's a box of bombs where some of us get lucky and they don't go off.

People wonder why I'm cynical? Cause of stuff like this... and because I'm no better.

Truly... my only hope is in the Lord.

Sinking into Complacency

Lately, I've been feeling somewhat off. Not sure why, but I have been.

  11 “Take care lest you forget the LORD your God by not keeping his commandments and his rules and his statutes, which I command you today, 12 lest, when you have eaten and are full and have built good houses and live in them, 13 and when your herds and flocks multiply and your silver and gold is multiplied and all that you have is multiplied, 14 then your heart be lifted up, and you forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery, 15 who led you through the great and terrifying wilderness, with its fiery serpents and scorpions and thirsty ground where there was no water, who brought you water out of the flinty rock, 16 who fed you in the wilderness with manna that your fathers did not know, that he might humble you and test you, to do you good in the end. 17 Beware lest you say in your heart, ‘My power and the might of my hand have gotten me this wealth.’ 18 You shall remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you power to get wealth, that he may confirm his covenant that he swore to your fathers, as it is this day. 19 And if you forget the LORD your God and go after other gods and serve them and worship them, I solemnly warn you today that you shall surely perish. 20 Like the nations that the LORD makes to perish before you, so shall you perish, because you would not obey the voice of the LORD your God.

But reading things like this helps to humble me. I've got so much free time at work, that I've been abhorring, but it gives me time to just reflect and learn. Sometimes I don't use it effectively, but back to trying and reading and learning.

And I started looking for jobs again... it's so... daunting. I can feel the stress building up inside me already, and I just started searching and editing my resume haha. What is thisss? Go away stress. Go away troubled heart. One of my co-workers has been at the company for like 6 years, why? Is she in love with the company? Nah not really. But she was like I'm content, and too lazy to go looking. Can't say I blame her. lol.

Halcyon days... return. I love that phrase? Idiom? Expression? The sad thing is I think I learned about it from an anime. Maybe not sad, see they can be somewhat beneficial!

Small Group

I've realized small group is crucial while I was overseas. (Completely didn't touch on spiritualnessnessness in my previous post)

You need community. Period end of story. If you are a Christian, not nominal, and you don't take seeking community seriously, then you are a fool. I might feel bad saying it to your face, but I will say it. If you aren't actively seeking community, or at least trying to be involved in community... you are on a train wreck towards disaster. And not a fake community where you act happy or a certain way. A community where you can be you. In your downs struggling with sin or whatever comes your way, and in your ups when all you can do is help but praise the Lord in pure joy. Maybe not in all the details, cause trust takes time, but at least share some.

Please... if you haven't found one or committed to one, please do so. You won't find perfection of any sort. Don't expect it. Recognize the fact that you will have to reach out. You will have to try. You will be hurt as some people don't seem to reciprocate or they do something that offends you. But continue... of course for Christ ultimately, but for your own soul as well.

Being bereft of community took it's toll on me while I was abroad. I need something to root me because... by myself I drift all too easily away from God. He's still on my mind, but not as powerfully. He becomes less a reason for my actions, and more just an abstract thing... why is it so easy? Cause I am weak. I am not strong. I am not a pillar. I am weak, but it's okay. I'd rather recognize that and find brothers and sisters than try to live alone anyways.

That being said, my small group leader is more or less how I would like to be at some point. Smart, astute memory. Well versed in the Bible and the world. He was quoting Shakespeare at me haha during a lunch conversation, and then I realized we even had the same views about the end haha. If worst comes to worst when we get old, we'll go to some hostile nation, carry Bibles and preach God's word till, well you know we get killed. Funny because our wave thoughts are similar in many ways, but I'm more emotional than him. He's got an interesting life story I feel like tho. One day, I'll uncover it and just spend times reflecting on it. Why? Cause there are things to learn from every persons life.

Haha. But speaking of my leader, he also had the same issue I had with the news. And he said he only reads local news because there he can make a difference. To be honest... I feel like there's something underlying that decision, which is incorrect. But who am I to call him out right?

Feeling helpless is not necessarily a bad thing. It forces you to turn to God. An argument could be made here about God just being convenient or not having a true faith or whatever, but I do believe it's true. We love feeling in control, and we'll do almost anything to preserve it.

Today I found a nice analogy to describe myself. I currently feel like a puppy haha. Why? Well... too bad don't feel like sharing. But I feel like a puppy.

Happy Monday!

Closure on Manila/Going Abroad

This post is to fulfill my promises of previous posts about a closing post. It's been two weeks now since I landed back in the USA, so I apologize for the delay, yet I doubt any of you really have been holding out haha. Yet I press onward... at least for myself.

Tokyo/Manila/Hong Kong was a taste of Asia, that I had never experienced. My first time going to Asia, and I was glad to go, and I only had to pay from Manila to Hong Kong ;)

But you know... it's not crazy different that the USA. People are people. I dunno, if you're expecting something profound like aliens or something you're out of luck. I use alien just cause we use that for foreigners in the USA... haha and it seems to emphasize differences to me. But there's lots of cultural differences and day to day things, that just astound me, fascinate me, and really bring out the desire to people watch in me.

Filipinos as a whole (watch me generalize) are a very nice and hospitable culture. Whereas some people are nice because they know they should be, there's a more genuine element in Filipino culture. There's a lot more I'd like to see in the Philippines. Some beaches, volcanoes, the ocean, I dunno... I can see myself going back there.

But I was reminded... that when people rip you off there, it's only like an extra couple bucks or so here. Bargaining is more fun than anything but when a taxi rips me off... I just sigh hand them money and say have a great day dude. In that phrase I try to capture the feeling, I know you just owned me cause I'm a foreigner, but I genuinely hope that this money helps you in some way.

The Philippines is a largely developing culture still. Trying to play catch-up after the effects of corruption set it back a couple decades in development. In fact, I got a small education on Filipino history, which I found to be quite fascinating. Other countries... just have so much many more interesting things to them than the USA. Our country the baby, yet trying to act like a boss, like we know best haha. Ya right.

The only really great thing about the USA is... our passports are the best thing ever. It's easy for us to visit other countries compared to other countries. They have to get visas ahead of time, pay fees, etc. First time I was genuinely glad to be American... (this may be quite jacked up to be honest, sign of taking things for granted, sigh... such a privileged loser I am).

So, I actually had a huge epic blog to write. Haha. I'm a changed man on a deeper level. I can say that with almost 100% certainty or maybe just parts of me have been more clearly brought forth in my mind/heart? People fascinate me. Other cultures fascinate me. If I could get paid just to study other cultures... I'd take it in a heart beat, so long as I can go experience it in some manner.

I was challenged by someone to talk to a stranger everyday. Haha. That's hard. I was proud of myself for striking up a conversation with my airplane mates, but that wasn't sufficient for this person... but then what qualifies as a conversation? Prob should have qualified that.

Regardless... my traveling bug has really blossomed into... a butterfly??? haha. I want to go back overseas no doubt. But I do appreciate C'ville/USA a little more. There's a lot to see here crajiii. Gotta hit up NY tho once an SK moves in. But maybe I should visit Chicago and Seattle since I have some desire to live there. Who knows, who knows. The future is so uncertain guys. All I know, is that it's time I move onto a new job cause this position is just going to keep me stagnating. But there's somethings to do here before I leave. I also still need to edit a bunch of pics... blimie. What is life. I'm trying to find things to do, but I do have a fair amount I should do already.

Notes on beer:
Filipino beers are not worth drinking... imho. I had a sick craft japanese beer tho when I was there by Doppo I think. Also Trader Joe's beers aren't that great I've decided. Although they do import some nice ones. Not that I drink a lot or anything. Maybe one a week? But I do enjoy trying new beers. Favorites as of now Brooklyner Weisse and Duck-Rabbit Milk stout. And the Hardywood Gingerbread stout (leggo Richmond!)

Sad sigh note...
News is making me slightly depressed lightly. I need to find a happy news site. And, I might also be becoming lactose. I can't tell tho because I keep on eating different foods and I can attribute my bowel issues to various things. Looks like I'll just keep at it and see what happens haha.

Appointments

I have very few appts. Aka I hang out and see few people. Not a pity call, just a statement, although I would like that to change.

But because of this, it's all the more irritating when things overlap, I guess cause I'm not used to having to sacrifice options that I genuinely love.

The most recent one in my memory is going to the Philippines and missing graduation.

Now, it's missing a frisbee tournament with friends, for a wedding.

Both options worth the sacrifice? Definitely. Is there still a twinge of sadness... yes.

And yes I still will write a post about post Manila/traveling thoughts... in other words, a real blog post lol.

Manila Part 6

Had my first encounter with a woman of the night. Not that I haven't seen them like twice while here total, but first time they talked to me lol. They said excuse me, and I was like oh, once again Filipinos are just so polite. But I was walking back to my hotel at 2-3 am to grab something to return to my manager, and I was like ohhhhhhhh don't respond. But because they saw my hesitation they followed me for a little bit lol. Fail.

I also learned I don't look Korean at all. I asked my coworkers and they were like Chinese, Taiwanese? ... They said it's your eyes man, doesn't look Korean at all. And my female team member was like we also have Lee Min-ho as our standard, and all I could say was well, I can't compete with him lol.

I also saw a child crawl out of a sewer. And... well ya that rocked my world some.

Regardless, too tired to post. I've been up for over 25 hours straight now, with over 8 hours of walking from exploring this Saturday. So I'll update you all another time.

Leaving Manila is... bittersweet. Am I ready to stop working night shifts? Heck ya. Do I really like my coworkers and the office environment they have? Heck ya. It's so much more communal hear in Manila than C'ville. Maybe I can work to change C'ville, while I'm still there. Also... I don't really want to leave SNL as badly now lol. My peeps in Manila are awesome. But... we'll see what happens I guess.

Peace out world. My body has decided to say GG. Hopefully I can make my transfer tomorrow as I only have a 50 minute layover to which you might say oh that's plenty. To which I respond with no... I'm worried lol. Trust me on that one. That layover time doesn't include you getting off your plane, or I've already experienced a delay in Manila airport before so not much trust there.

Manila Part 5

Today was one of the few times, when I've just paused without wanting to take a photo. I walked over an hour (there and back) to eat korean food. Worth? Totally worth it. It was this small hole in the wall place that was pretty cheap, 5 bucks for yukgaejang, and got mandoo and a mango smoothie for a grand total of like 9-10 bucks?

But back to my story... I was walking in the red light district (because that's where the korean food is), and I saw this woman digging through a trash bag. Which pretty much broke my heart, and while normally I would want to take pics, I just let my camera hang by my side.

This past weekend, I was able to go to an area called Intramuros which is a more historical area. I got to see a mini festival, part of a wedding there, and some street market stuff. Overall it was incredible. But from the view point on top of a fort wall, I could see part of the slums. And my co-worker that was showing me around was like ya.... I don't want to take you there.

It's interesting... I'm in the business area, and if I walk 30 minutes away, you can see the difference in buildings, and prob another 30 minutes of walking, and I should be careful of where I'm at. I dunno... just lots of random things to think about. Overall tho, I'm starting to see the appeal of Manila. I wouldn't mind living here for maybe a year although... the air here sucks. And traffic is ridiculous, like absolutely ridiculous. Nova is nothing. And public transportation here is not very good.

So Japan is the best lol, but Manila is pretty cool. I'm sorta sad to be leaving on Sunday, but I'm also cramming in as much as I can before I leave. I can feel my body dying on me. Much more to say, but I'll leave at this for now. I prob won't get to have a nice thoughtful blog/edit my several hundred pics until after I get back. But we'll see.

Hong Kong and Manila Part 4

It's interesting... I think I've finally gotten over most of my homesickness. I won't lie guys... I was almost crying a couple times hahahaha. I laugh mostly, and part of me is shocked that it even happened. That self-pity is utterly stupid. Sigh. I was reading articles on how to get over it etc.

A couple things that helped me get over it. Editing pics, and realizing I'm seeing new things. It hit me harder. Getting pumped to go to a different church this Sunday here in Manila. I think the lack of church the past couple weeks has been taking it's toll on me. Plus before I left I was listening to Trinity's sermons online for two weeks because I just couldn't get out of bed for some reason. Laziness yes, but just sheer exhaustion. Not that those are good excuses for skipping community.

But, I'm looking forward to this Sunday :) And one more thing that helped was just telling people. I told a couple friends who have just been there for me, which is nice. Thanks be to God.

Oh God... how my walk with you has fallen behind while I'm here. I didn't even pack a Bible. Dunno what I was thinking or not thinking I guess. I guess yay for the web.

Hong Kong was aight. I think my feelings of homesickness that I was still gripped by then, and the extra humidity and heat there just did not create the best me. But it was cool. I got to see lots of places (pics to be uploaded on fbook maybe by the end of the week). There's a lot of history there. A lot of disgusting materialism as there are malls literally every train stop... it's ridiculous. However... there are lots of camera shops that I got to peruse. I saw Leica's, and I was just like... I just want to hold you in your glory. Haha. I am a camera nerd. Much to learn, but I do enjoy it.

But Hong Kong is mad cramped. Everything goes up, and they have so many window AC units that walking around water drips from them on to the side walks... gross lol. It was just too much city for me, but there's some really great city views like Victoria Peak (do not recommend hiking tho, that was brutal; imagine the final stretch of Humpback but the entire hike... although if the weather was nice maybe better). And there's a fair amount of nature, I just didn't get a chance to see it due to limited time and it being far near the airport. Note this was the first time I'd ever been packed like sardines on a train. Not that fun lol. But seeing and catching up with SP was nice.

So would I ever come back to Hong Kong? Probably not... there's other places I'd rather go. I didn't really like it all that much, but I'm sure if I was with someone that really wanted to go, I'd suck it up for a couple days. Got to do some bargaining while I was there, haha fun stuff. We both gave each other the look of hey I know you're overcharging me cause I'm a foreigner, and they returned it with the ya I'm overcharging you, I know you have the money stop being a prick. Haha good times. But public transportation is legit guys. Japan and Hong Kong convinced me. These cars are wrecking us.

All this to say... I'm still mad excited to return next Sunday to the States. Sorta wish I could do another extended layover in Japan on the way back, but I won't push my luck. Let me know if you guys want souvenirs! You don't tell me, you don't get anything.

My random side note for this post: My laptop is legit dying. :( The frame around the screen is cracking, and it's all over just started to fall apart... I want it to last one more year, but dunno if it will. Fingers crossed!

Manila Part 3

First work week is almost over... and I made it. One more night shift, and then Hong Kong here I come.

I skyped with my family yesterday. Honestly... thank God for skype. That helped restore my sanity like no other. And even the little things, like my mom asking me if I found a church yet, made my heart flutter (in a good way) haha. Seriously... if you read this send me a message or something man, please. I feel pretty isolated here. Granted today I went for a walk and ate my breakfast/your dinner at a restaurant nearby, and I think familiarizing myself with the area will help.

I'm also going to explore Manila with my co-workers next weekend which will be nice. So things are getting better for sure, praise the Lord.

My body is slowly adjusting to the night shift, but it's still hard. And I feel like every weekend I will reset my sleeping schedule. Oh well... 2 more weeks. Let's do this.

Keep me in your prayers friends. Send me your prayer requests if you have any.

To answer the above, I haven't found a church exactly. Chris Liu told me one to go to, but I prob won't be able to go until next Sunday as I came in Sunday afternoon and this weekend is Hong Kong. But ya... peace. Gonna power nap before work.

Manila Post 2

So it's now been two night shifts here in Manila. Honestly... work is making this whole experience more enjoyable. How come? Well because it keeps me sane. I don't have anyone to talk to besides coworkers, although I do say hi to some random people here and there. I guess part of the problem is the night shift. If I was working a day shift, it'd prob be easier, but whatevs.

Still lonely, but my coworkers are nice, so hopefully get to know them some more. I'm even chilling with one guy as he smokes... not that I actually enjoy smoke. But I want to get to know him better. And talking to people helps quite a lot.

Side note, I truly am the universal Asian, Japanese people spoke to me Japanese. Chinese people sometimes speak to me in Chinese. Filipinos here speak to me in Tagalog. Haha. One guy said oh, you could pass for a Chinese-Filipino. Sigh. Oh well.

But ya, I'm training two people right now and starting next week possibly three. And I'm already running out of ideas. They know a decent amount, so it's hard for me to formulate training for them... but we'll see. If you have any ideas I'm totes down for it. PLEASE share any teaching/training tips. Especially something that relates to teaching people how to support? Maybe critical thinking activities?

So ya... I hit a hump right around 12-1 am where my body says gg. Then I drink some coffee, and I'm ready to go for a couple hours, making it to the end. Then I work out. Eat food. Close the curtains in my room and waste time, so that I am forced into darkness till I get sleepy. I say waste time, but it's either preparing for training, or just trying to find something interesting. Hard stuff tho guys.

I really just want to go home even though I've been blessed with this opportunity, I know. This weekend is Hong Kong, and next weekend my goal is to hang out with my coworkers which will be nice. And one of them wants to run with me, so I'll be doing that too.

Man this is really teaching me what it's like to move to a new area... it's harder than I thought it would be. I mean this is 3 weeks here, but if I moved to a new city it's for far longer... crazjiiiii.

AHHH, I'm running out of ideas. Sigh I barely have enough training for this week, so how can I come up with two more weeks of stuff..... sigh. Please keep me in your prayers guys. Someone told me that they are praying for me, and it really touched me. Made me realize I am neglecting my walk while abroad. Not good!

Please... talk to me some too :) Google hangout, or perhaps Kakao? I got it just for when I'm abroad. You can look up the id for my my email that has my middlename to add me :)

Coolest thing about the office in Manila? They have a freaking nap room haha. Sick deals.

Tokyo and Manila

Tokyo was the most amazing place ever.

I want to live in Japan. Hands down. Clean, polite, busy yet organized. Everything flows well, so much efficiency. I landed at Narita (Chiba Prefecture), went to Tokyo and ended up in Yokohoma (Chiba prefecture. I didn't take as many pics as I expected, but I should be posting them up soon enough. But I don't know how else to describe it as amazing. I honestly felt like things clicked, and I just want to live there.

I stayed at two different hostels (first time) and it wasn't that bad at all. The first night, I didn't sleep well, but the second night I did. (Asakusa Smile in Asakusa Tokyo), and then Yokohoma Hostel Village (near Ishikawakacho station). And I walked so freaking much... haha. But I got to see so much. I had the best tour guide ever, and she definitely helped make the trip better. But I think I would have loved it regardless, mainly because I was in love.

Asakusa is an older area of Tokyo that is quite pretty and peaceful, and Yokohoma is a little more spacious than Tokyo and right by the ocean. I got to see where Commodore Perry came to Japan. And many other random sites. I even got my fortune at a shrine haha. Oh man... I feel like I just got shoved in and overwhelmed with site seeing. But the best thing I bought there? I got an extension tube for macro shots for roughly $10 bucks at a flea market. But it's worth more than that. Also I didn't really have any jet lag. Walking around so much was the best thing ever cause I was exhausted at the end of the day so I just slept like normal.

And guys.... you can get lost in Tokyo and Yokohoma, at least where I was and not worry about getting mugged. I got back form Shibuya to Asakusa around 11:30 pm and got lost trying to find my way back. Took me a while, but I finally figured it out. I felt so safe. I can't even do that in C'ville. And I'm Manila worries me quite a bit more.

Day 1
Land, train in. Walk around Asakusa and eat. Shibuya, walked to some super tall tower for skyline seeing. Honestly... I give up trying to keep an exact list. I can't remember all the names of the places I went to haha. But I'll consolidate for my memories sake.

Day 2
Yasukuni Shrine, Old Imperial Palace, Tokyo Station (ate freaking amazing Tsukemen here) Yokohoma (port, a mini Pokemon center haha, Chinatown). So pretty.

Walking around was so nice guys I can't emphasize it enough. I just love Japan.

Although I have to admit my second night there, I got swept over with a sense of loneliness. Basically said goodbye to my friend who showed me around, and I realized... I was alone in that country. And that hit me like a tsunami wave. Luckily I was so freaking tired that I just passed out. But to be honest that emotion has carried over here to Manila. And I think what's harder for me, is I'm staying at a 4-Star Hotel. And it's not settling well because I know that 15-20 minutes away there's poverty. Honestly, I'm more comfortable at a hostel than I am at this hotel. They rush to help me, with simple stupid stuff. I was like oh I need a pair of scissors, and they said we'll deliver it to your room. What???? No I can pick it up. Please sir, I will send my colleague shortly... lol. Also I'm in this super touristy/business area of Manila.

I just see malls right around my place. And it's like a American ish. And it's jiving with my sense of not spending money. When I was in Japan, I didn't really buy any souvenirs, instead just pictures and memories experiencing culture and such. But where I am in Manila, it's harder. I bought some clothes at Uniqlo, mainly cause it's cheaper here lol. And I love Japanese stuff. But rest assured I have plans for my second to last weekend, where I'm just going to explore per Chris Liu's instructions.

But to expound upon that sadness... I can keep myself busy and avoid thinking about it. But it's still there. This overwhelming reality that I don't know anyone here. Hopefully I get along well with my co-workers or something, otherwise this 3 weeks is going to systematically destroy me. Funny how I never gave CL that much sympathy. I owe him my deepest apologies because this is hard. And I have my first night shift tonight. Ugh... I also need to prep for training quite a bit. I just want to go home tho... maybe after Hong Kong and seeing SP. Sigh, traveling should be done with a friend. You might get mad at each other and need some time by yourselves, but having someone to talk to is crucial.

Side note: It's so hot and humid here... omg.... Even less reason for me to go outside. I also fell asleep on the plane ride to Manila, and woke up with my resting on the guy's shoulder sitting next to me... lol. Thankfully wasn't for very long.

And another side note, I tried to stay up last night so I could sleep during the day.
Ultimate fail. I slept crappily for like 6 hours. Enough to be too awake to pass out, but tired enough to feel off. Sigh. Let me know if you want to skype or something :) would seriously restore my sanity here haha. Plus on the weekdays I'll be operating on your hours. Working the equivalent of 9-6 in USA, 12 hour difference.

Short Version
I love Japan, and I hope I don't go crazy in Manila.

Plans.

http://forreyfilms.com/blog/2014/4/25/ballerinas-muscle-cars-and-ice-cream-trucks
So freaking cute.

One of the best compliments I heard, was IO saying you got a little bigger I can tell. Inwardly I fist pumped like no other haha. Finally 2-3 months of working out starting to pay off. Like you have no idea... finally the road to slowly not being the super small guy is paying off. Legooooooo haha. Small victory on a road that seems to never end.

But that being said... time keeps on flowing. And next thursday I will be out of this country baby. Flying halfway around the world to a new land. Japan, Manila, Hong Kong, Manila, Boracay, Manila, home. That's more or less my agenda. Weekends are for travel and the other days are for working that night shift... which will probably wreck me. Oh well.

Also this was my last sys theo gathering today... so weird. Is it time for me to move out of C'ville now? I mean I should work at least for another month after I get back because you know... they covered everything. But I should probably start looking after that. Which is weird cause like I should probably decide on living situation. Who will I live with etc.... cause if I stay, I'd like to have it settled. But if I'm leaving, I don't want to get locked into a contract... ahhhh so many complications. Sigh... maybe I should just stay? But I really... don't want to. Too many complications guys...

Many updates to come, but this is exciting stuff guys. Exciting stuff. Let me know if you want a postcard!!!!

Part 2: Family

Once again disclaimer, I've talked about parts of this before.

Family. I come from a broken family. A dysfunctional one for all intents and purposes. Divorced while I was super young, and not a good divorce. An ugly one. Very ugly. Bad mouthed the other whenever I was present. Argued with each other. And I just had to grow up in it all. Both mother and father very poor, essentially poverty, although not anymore.

Now I'm blessed through the poverty aspect because while my mother would go hungry raising me, she never let me go hungry. She's done so many things for me. You insult my mother, you can be sure that I might have an image of me beating the crap out of you flash through my mind. :) At least now I would.

Growing up...non-related insecurities aside, I hated my family. I really did. I was jealous of kids that had unity. Even after my mom re-married she would constantly argue and scream at him, and vice versa, though mainly her. But I wanted to say yup, I have a mom and dad to everyone. Not just a mom (although as a kid you don't notice that too much). But I hated to say ya, that's my step-dad. It was a mark of imperfection. Don't get me wrong, I love my step-father, but during that time half of me felt like I was betraying my biological dad. And to all the kids... I felt like when I shared, I was a child of divorced parents there was that sense of being lesser. Or adults would give me that slightly different, oh poor thing look.

And my step-dad is white, which you know causes all kinds of weird things, and I have a white last name. So the question is are you half? You don't look half. Or I'd tell everyone oh ya I have a mom and dad. And they'd be like wait... your dad's white? And I'd be like well he's really my step-dad... haha. Do you know how frustrating it can be to deal with a question of why's your last name Merling? Well my dad was adopted. But I saw your dad... and he's white? Oh well, so that's my step-dad cause cause my family divorced. But my biological dad was adopted from Korea at a young age... to which I hear ohhhhh. Cause what else can you say after that? haha. But I didn't feel like being stereotyped as the divorced kid or the fact that I have a complicated family, so I thought I'd keep it simple for you. Plus people always feel bad about bringing up the fact that I'm a child of divorced parents... and I'm just like look, now I feel awkward cause you feel awkward. Honestly if you ask me it doesn't bother me at all to share. It's just really annoying that people feel awkward once they hear haha.

But I digress these are minor points in the big story. I hated my family. I couldn't wait to move out and be on my own. In fact... I sincerely viewed them as more or less pieces of society that fed and clothed me. Nothing more. And I hated having to share about my family. I hated family.

Follow that with a falling out with my dad. Increased fighting with my mother and step-father as I tried to figure out who I was. Threats to get kicked out of my family... and during college I was like... my biggest goal in life? Not to be like my parents. And I very sincerely would pray this. I wanted to be nothing like them.

Haha... I was a terrible son. I still am, but I think I'm better than I was. Cause what's different now is, I love my family. I love my mother, my step-father, and even my biological father. I learned more about all of them. They learned and became more accepting of me. But in reality what created the change was God. My mother and step-father have changed drastically. From the me who would want to cover my brother's ears and hold his hand to let him know that he's loved (because I felt like I needed that growing up), and that our parents are really happier than what you see, to the me who smiles and knows my brother will grow up wonderfully. You have no idea... I was really scared my brother would become jaded like I was about family, so far it seems like he's everything I could hope and pray for and more :)

And I completely forgot to talk about my brother haha. I... love him so much. He's one of the biggest reasons why I don't want to move out of the state yet because I want to see him more. He still misses me being home, and yes I cry a little whenever I leave home. No shame. He's freaking adorable. Haha.

But that's weird right? The tears now, are tears of joy and love. Love that I feel towards them and love that I receive. As opposed to the utter disgust and contempt I used to hold. Tears would of self-pity that I would drown myself in.

The hatred of family that bled over into my relationship with God, my inability to really appreciate God as Father, and even when I thought I did... I realize I didn't understand. Not that I understand completely now either, but progress has been made.

Family... something I have learned to love and treasure. And now when I see little kids with parents I smile haha.

But yes. Two biggest areas in my life that God has redeemed. My life and my family/concept of family. If I ever need confirmation of God's goodness, and I can't recognize the everyday blessings, I can always recognize these.

Also: I've told my parents, including my biological dad, about my desires to go into seminary and ministry in the future. My parents are accepting and willing to help support in small ways :). My dad is respecting. He asked me how do you when or even if you should (cause he was curious)? And to be honest I don't have any huge things that will make me go, "Aha, now is the time!" short of an audible voice of God. So I told him, I'm sure that if God does not want me to, it won't work out in the end. And he nodded, saying, "I see." haha. Just a funny/interesting story to me. Peace out chingoos.

Dogs

Random post. I'm pretty sure that in Heaven there will be lots of animals there as well, so... if I can't have a dog as a pet here in this world. I'll have them in the next :) Although, maybe that level of ownership won't exist? I guess depends on your view of Heaven, and many factors that I frankly have not though out that well.

But dogs..... are so cute. Sigh.

Brief response to today

I'd like to share my two cents about something. Lol, I like how I open with that, but this is my blog, I do what I want :P

There's a lot of uproar on GCF today of a "false preacher," and I'm sure I would agree with everyone if I were to have heard the man. However, I am saddened that our hearts get riled more clearly at an individual screaming out, then the injuries of people outside of Pittsburgh. A series of stabbings at a school. We get more riled up, more willing to speak, more willing to call out against an individual that has offended us, than the couple hundred souls that perished in the missing plane from Malaysia. The political upheaval in various countries, the starving people of the world, the suffering within our own city. But what moves us the most is an emotional charge against someone because we feel like as he yells, he brings down our religion. It gets personal, yet somehow the souls around us don't move us until that we have that spark from a man who speaks part but not all of the Gospel. In reality, much of the pop music we listen to and indulge in does the very same thing. Yet do we get all preachy about pop music? Not really... cause it's got that good beat you know?

Or the movies that defame God? Where people use His holy name in vain all the time? Of course not, those are cultural things right? And we enjoy the movie for it's aesthetic value as opposed to the undertones that lie in it.

The tragedies around the world are just a part of life, yet far removed from us right? Do we even get as indignant when we or our friends indulge in sin? I can't speak for you, but for myself... sometimes, but not always. It's that awkward line of do I get in his face or not. And yet the instance someone starts bad-mouthing Christianity, I can get all into it. Haha.

I find it weird, almost sad, that what moves us the most is the presence of a man speaking out wrongly about Jesus, when we live and breath in a world that does that ALL THE TIME. And more often than not we are completely okay with what we see.

But then again everyone has their own triggers that move them into action. And as long as action is taken, and as long as God gets the glory, does it really matter? I guess not.

Sigh humanity. So... inconsistent. I am so inconsistent. That makes me sad too. But what can you do when imperfect people follow a perfect God? Keep on plugging along.

Post to come about part 2. Too tired to write it out properly.

Part 1: My Life

Part 1 of the two part post about what I can always turn back to in my moments of doubts and craziness of my mind. Disclaimer this is recap of various parts of different posts, but I was reminded during Lighthouse of this simple fact of mine. And I need positive reminders for myself. Don't we all?

My life. In what sense? In the sense that I, would be dead without Christ, not just spiritually, but literally. Based on my trajectory as a younger person, without God, I would have gone to a crazier side than I ever indulged in, and ultimately found myself with a gun in one hand. Cause one day... I would have just said eff it all, and bought one. It's not like they are going to do a super deep background check, and even if they did what would they find? No record of crime. No record of any infractions of the law, until you see the news the next day of a "tragic" 5 second segment of a youth who was found in the middle of the woods or mountains, after many days of searching, with a bullet hole in his head, and the gun in his hand. I see no reason if not for my Christian friends to not try and experiment with drugs or any manner of things until, like I said, I commit suicide. My life was full of escape methods. It's how I survived as a child, as a teen, as a young adult.

Or perhaps it would not have even had to reach that point of drug abuse, and it would end just when I could legally obtain a firearm. And don't get me wrong there would have been days and months of struggling where I would hold the gun, take off the safety, put it back on, take it off... repeat day in and day out. And it would have been a slap in the face of God. The One who gave me life, and yet I willingly chose to discard it for an eternity in Hell. I would willing spit in His face by saying eff it all. And don't get me wrong... I defile God... the Cross in so many ways... and I am ashamed. But I consider suicide, a huge slap and a huge escape for the individual. As if death brings respite? No it does not! But in the mind of the one suffering... it's the last hope they have left.

But God brought me to a church that was imperfect in so many glaring ways, and there I found love and community. For the first time... I found a sense of belonging that I had never ever felt before. God brought me to a fellowship, where I should never have been given opportunities and responsibilities that I was given, where I was taught and loved in so many ways... so that now as I've grown, I can look back and say to my younger self, to that boy, It's okay.

It's okay. Come here and walk with me. Do you see God, and how He has worked? Don't you see... the grace that has led us to this point? And I smile softly because I can accept this side of me. A side that I decided to abandon during college with the thought the past is done and never to return. I will be stronger. I will be better. I will never return to that stage. I will never be that weak. I will never give into that life style again. I will shun that pathetic shriveling disgusting side of me, and lock it up forever.

But that person is me, and I treasure him or his story. Because it is my reminder of how weak I am, but how loved I am. That person is me, and I realized the beauty of a God that loves... and I smile softly.

You can out argue me, you can prove me wrong on all my thought processes. But... my faith friends cannot be robbed from me. No matter how hard Satan tries, or hard I fall... in the end I will cling to one greater.

Okay... I don't suffer from a dual personality, but for the sake of introspection it's helpful. And to be honest it's how I try to step back and analyze/rationalize myself.

Completely different note: Listened to some free styles of Christian artists... and I am so inspired haha. So inspired.

Afternoon coffee

Gg. I drank some coffee at 6 pm to wake up. And now I can't sleep. Sigh... Like for real, not setting up for a good Monday.

But this has led to some good introspection as I just laid in bed for a bit.

By and large I don't trust GCF completely. I love and appreciate the body and it's vision. I am wary of it though.

Why? I feel like twice I have been severely let down by the fellowship.

Once, where I saw gossip manifest in such a way where I wanted to rage. Even now I get somewhat angry. I wanted to start a witch hunt and beat up anybody that was guilty. I wanted to fight, man. It wasn't about me, but it was about someone important to me. And that's when I realized... GCF is full of sinners. I held it or the people in it to a standard that I never should have. But let's be real... basic keeping your mouth shut isn't that hard. Talk to the person or shut up. Advice okay, asking people you trust for opinion, to some extent I agree with. But seriously freaking Koreans and their gossip haha. This is honestly one reason why I hesitate to share personal things to the body. Deep down inside... I am suspicious and un-trusting. Which is sad you know? God really does go deeper than that. He shines far above any foolish ways that an imperfect body will act as it tries to follow a perfect example. But that cut so deep... this is not a topic open to discussion unless you are aware of what happened in which case talk to me one on one. No one ever does haha (talk to me one on one), but if you feel like you want to, I don't mind. You can listen to me rant and see me get all riled up haha. Which doesn't happen too often (or does it?).

Second, is really all me. As I didn't trust the body... I felt alone. And during my fourth year was a rather dark time. I struggled quite a lot, and I felt abandoned. I had poured out everything into GCF... and I felt like when I was in dire straights, when I was falling under... I was left to drown, except for a couple brothers. Mainly one, yes, I say one because... as many people that were "there" for me, only one really displayed it. But there were a couple others that really served as a buoy as well. Granted I barely opened up to anyone cause of that mistrust from earlier. I kept a mental log of people I qualified as trust-worthy and not. I kept a mental log of people who would share and in turn I felt comfortable with sharing, and a log of people that I had shared with before and felt like there was something there. And in the end, mainly because I was upper class, people thought I was okay? Mainly because people thought they knew me, they didn't know? Maybe because I had developed that facade so nicely that no one knew. Or perhaps, no one just wanted to dive down. Because working with someone who's struggling is not easy.

All in all... do I blame GCF for my second issue? No. I'm just saying because it was there, but I don't hold anyone accountable. I don't feel bitterness. I just feel sad, and I sincerely hope that other people don't feel that way. In the end that's why we have our accountability peeps because the body at large can't be there. Although... ideally it should. Don't assume upper class people are always well, ask the deeper questions. Don't be afraid to poke. You think Christ was content with surface level answers or questions? Nah man. Went to the heart. All this being said, I've got so many flaws man haha, how can I really hold anyone else accountable for how my sins get manifested? I can't. Although in the moment, I will. I will deflect cause I'm... just a bad person. Work in progress, I promise you, I really am trying.

But do I blame GCF for the first? Yes in one sense. Should a body be held accountable for it's mistakes? Yes. Are blanket statements bad? Yes haha, but in this case I find validity because very few wanted to spearhead the fight against it. But what I wish to fight more is the sin as opposed to the body. Sin that creeps in everywhere is the target of my sadness/frustration. Ultimately, it's really not the body or the person. But... this in the past man. And as far as I can tell GCF is constantly becoming sanctified as it's members are. As we cry out to God... He responds in magnificent ways. So praise the Lord as we see positive growth :)

Perhaps you'd like to poke holes into what I'm saying. Perhaps I offended you. Please talk to me in person or phone or something (ie not txt or email), I honestly would love to hear what you have to say. And as a disclaimer, as often as I have things against GCF, I have much much much greater love (yes three much's, cause three's cool you know). Why else would I still make the effort to go to events and still try to get to know some people slowly? Let's be real, I could cut it out. Might be sad for a while, but I'd get over it. But I do have a heart for GCF that will probably carry into the next life (if that's not blasphemous?). It was my home for four years. It was my home church all throughout college... and it's full of great things.

Now it's almost 1:30 and I want to shoot myself cause I'm still awake... blaaaaaaargggggg. My goal in my next two posts? To post two areas in my life, where I always turn back to in my pits as reminders of God's faithfulness. Not as a crutch, but as a reminder cause to often I want to doubt.

And on a completely random note. I love stars. I could stare at them for so long... stars, sunsets, and sunrises. Literally takes my breath away, and I'm stuck for a seconds where I stop breathing. In awe. In wonder. In love haha. When (or if) I live in the city, I'm gonna miss them so much.

But where did these thoughts come from in terms of GCF? I have a feeling one day... I will share something very close to my heart. Something that rocked me so hard... and part of me is deathly afraid. But the majority of me recognizes the beauty of God's grace and my assurance in Him. And so I stand, supported solely by Christ.

Also... I wish I could make jokes. I might seriously watch comedy videos to try to understand better... sorta sad to admit this haha.

Patience

For all intents and purposes my life is not bad. But... I'm impatient. I want something more. I want my life to be filled with random things that coalesce into something amazing. I want to see changes. I want to document life as we know it. I want to see those once in a life time events. I want to see that genuine smile. I want to be a part of a movement for something greater. I... long for something that stirs my heart to break my pragmatism and basically pessimistic thought pattern, instead putting all my eggs in one basket, and if they all break, keep on at it.

But sadly life, and the life of a Christian is filled simply with a lot of patience. Will I get this new job? Will I get a job? How long does it take to adjust to it? When can I move? When will I be able to play this song? When will this person get saved? When will I finally be free of x, y, z temptation? Will Jesus just come back now? Haha. Etc. etc. etc.

Today, Servants Ministry hosted Lighthouse. And being in C'ville of course I went. Listened to Pastor Pete from City Church, and it was a blessing. Quite practical, as he emphasized the point of relational outreach. Do I disagree slightly on some of his points? Why yes. Haha. I feel like, it's too easy to take what he's saying and be completely complacent and content with just being friends with non-believers. But if we are intentional and really open to the Spirit moving, I completely agree with him (I think he needed to emphasize this more, but that's just me being critical). I especially loved his stories, sometimes they really weren't necessary, but helped me to get a better idea of who he is. Made me wish I had decided to commit to City Church instead hahaha. But next church I go to will probably be a bit more modern than Trinity... (if I ever move out, God willing.)

I digress tho, a lot of what he said really focused on patience though. God will manifest Himself in your relationship. If you are friends, and you exhibit Christ, one day the opportunity will arise and go for it. That might take 10, 15, 20 years, but it's worth it. Be that person that they can come to in times of need, and really be there. None of that fake crap of oh got your back, and then you disappear when the going gets tough. But dude that time span wrecks me. That's like half to almost all of my life. I want to see change now. I feel like 1 week ago, I was different than I am now. I feel like 1 month ago, I was different. I feel like 1 year ago I was different. And it frustrates me man. I long and hunger for change. I long and hunger for progress. I long and hunger for more of God. I long and hunger... for Heaven. But timing man... kills me haha.

I liked how he touched on the transformation of missions as time has gone on though. I love that historical aspect haha. And his comment on street evangelism without a faith community for support is dangerous, I was like ya man. Preach it. The flipside, God works beyond our understanding so He can use that one event to bring them to faith. But that community is necessary to buttress and support the individual. Even his comment on profession, I'm a pneumatologist (person who studies the Holy Spirit) instead of pastor, cracks me up. Because if you tell someone, oh I'm a pastor, can kill the conversation. But pneumatologist sounds cooler, and most people won't admit they don't know what that means, so they'll nod and smile during the conversation. Hahahaha.

So it was good. It was eye opening. It was convicting, as I try to reach more and more to my pickup frisbee friends. Extend beyond that hey what's up I play with you relationship. So yes! PTL!

And then I get home... the wave of emptiness, loneliness, frustration washes over me again. That worship setting that can't quite be matched in the hymns of Trinity cause it's a different sense of worship (at least for me, or manifestation). That community is over, college is done, and no time to be a boy. I blast the Christian music (Phil Wickham) on my laptop trying to capture that feeling that is so elusive... That feeling that views every encounter as truly an opportunity from God. Not a feeling of I'm in the grind. Wake up, life, sleep, repeat, die. The impatience of wanting to do something more... see more... experience more.

I'm not who I was... but I stifle my friends. I'm champing at the bit.

MC Jin - Healing (Outro)
Recently memorized this and jam out to it when by myself haha. Brutal and true and lovely. Tired of fronting guys. If you think I am, let's talk it out. I really am striving to be really true.

I really want to get into spoken word, but I'm afraid to try haha. I have moments of what I call brilliance as everything just clicks in my mind. Like an automatic watch that runs perfectly... magical. Peace be with you.

Confession: I started playing a video game this past Sunday cause my friend told me about it. It literally consumed my life this week... I played it so much, staying up late, working from home some so I could squeeze it on my off time. So stupid... haha. I'm legit embarrassed to write this because I really do think that when things like this happen clearly video games are terrible and a destruction of man. Sigh. Video games and I just don't agree too well. But the respite it gave me from thoughts just weighing in on me was refreshing.

Diificulties

Please don't take the last post too seriously. I don't think that such a manner of thought can be treated as black and white as I originally felt. And I think the reason the nature of the post has been on my mind on and off is because I haven't fully fleshed it out. I feel like it would take a huge essay for me to finally arrive at a conclusion that would give me some measure of peace. Haha. Maybe one day, so there's a lot of truth in it, but something is slightly off that's bugging me.

I learned today, I have a lot of anxiety for some reason. And I'm not sure about what. I need to be busy. Or I need to be doing something. Otherwise it starts to well up inside me... sorta sad. When I did become such a busy body or something. What happened to just sitting... Not that I don't sit. I do, but I wonder why I've become like this. It's really annoying. Granted I have lot to do/should be doing/would like to do. But that anxiety doe... so dumb. Just get outttttttt.

On a separate but cool note. I'm going to the Philippines sometime in late April or May, I do want to see graduation though so we'll see the final details. Work is going to pay for me to travel there and help train two people. Sick deals. Why? Free plane ticket to Asia for the first time ever. Yes, I've never been. That being said, I need to make sure my passport is up to date/find it. But ya guys... hoping to stop by in CA on the way there, and Hong Kong one weekend. Stop by some sick beach CL told me to stop by. And Japan!!!!!! Prob nah to Korea, but one day I would like to go. Yes... I'm looking forward to this trip more for personal enjoyment than anything because I will be working a night shift there and training two people, boo. Buttttt traveling. Too cool. Although... I plan on job searching soon-ish so feel slightly bad.

And I've gotten pretty good at making steaks, at least in a cast iron grill pan. Perfected? Not quite, but made delishly good? Yes. If you buy it, I'll cook it hands down. Or maybe I'll buy it for you, if there's a good enough reason. I do enjoy cooking it quite a lot Maybe I'm just getting cocky, but the steaks I made tonight were pretty good. All those youtube cooking videos not wasted. Especially cause earlier this week, I tried to make bread, and it lowered my confidence cause was quite bad (... makes me sad to think about it).

But lots to think about friends. TC made a comment today at dinner that if he knew anybody that would be living as a free lance photo journalist, he said it'd be me haha. And man... would I love it. At leas the romantic, following your dreams, living for the moment aspect. The scrounging for food, barely paying rent, questioning my existence, until I get that photo that just reminds me why I committed myself to do this cycle, would be rough. Worth it? Nah... not for my whole vision of life. Or is it... haha. Not good enough skill wise tho fo real. Sigh. Need to sleep. I should write these earlier. Lol.

Transparency vs Vulnerability

The mighty have fallen aka I think vacuum cleaners are sorta cool... Cause you want to get a good one ya know? Or I find cooking utensils more and more interesting, for example did you know that there's different quality of ceramic layering of cast iron? I mean logically makes sense, but reading about it is sort of interesting. Also sales on food seem that much more interesting to me. But no lie... my interest in cooking has grown exponentially. I watch a lot of cooking videos these days, maybe one day I can make most of them (Not that I consider myself mighty in any way, it's just that phrase). I feel like overall my cooking has improved slightly tho, due to watching and getting ideas.

Minor rant. You know people spend way too much time with other Christians (exclusively) when they assume that every Christian they meet has gone to church their whole life. I really like Trinity don't get me wrong. Most of the people I've met assume that I've always been going to church. Does that concern me? Yes. It gives an impression that most people have done that... so where are the people that have been recently saved? Of course there's the argument of oh, I went to church my whole life and just recently gave my life to Christ. I'm not discounting that. But it doesn't strike me as the best thing when people do that. Cause I didn't go to church my whole life, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Now that being said, I got to eat dinner with a married couple that invited me and another couple that I met over for dinner as outreach through Trinity who made this assumption (along with many others I've met there) hence the trigger for the rant, but I actually enjoyed the dinner a lot.

But you guys ready for this? There's a huge difference between transparency and vulnerability. Duh right? But let's play it out.

Transparency is like having a glass wall between you and the other person. They can see everything.

Vulnerability is like giving that other person a scalpel to help cut you open and fix you.

Now in writing it's like meh. But this is so deep or at least it was when I heard it this past Thursday at small group. Why? Because I can be transparent, no not about everything (I'm trying though), but about most things. If I'm not transparent with you completely about everything, it's probably 1) I don't trust you completely or 2) You never share even though I have, which really leads to 1. Or I'm afraid of your opinion changing of me, but as time goes on I realize more and more, so what. If you decide to hate me, you're completely free to do so, and to be honest I don't blame you. But if that's the outcome then we were never really friends in the first place, you just liked the version of me, you wanted to like. For the most part tho, I consider myself more or less transparent (if you feel otherwise you can let me know, and maybe we can meet up and talk and I can clean that glass for you some more, but maybe what I consider being transparent you don't or vice versa).

But being vulnerable is very hard for me. Why? Well I think it's universally hard, but for me personally, it's hard because very few people do I trust to that extent. Some people I innately trust, like a pastor at a retreat or something. Some people will never earn that trust, aka if I've seen you blab to others. Or maybe I just don't respect you enough to really hand you a knife to cut me open (which sounds judgmental I know. I like most people and respect/appreciate many qualities/gifts people have, but will I respect you enough to bare my soul? completely different). To let your words fundamentally rock me because I consider your opinion and your thoughts super insightful and worthy of the hours of reflection that I would put in. Or your words can be so uplifting that the joy I receive let's praise God for you as well as just being happier. Cause that's scary. Not in an idol focused way, while that danger is there, but in a truly brother bond (or possibly sister, but I think the only woman that will achieve that level will be my spouse, should I marry. that being said, I do value some women's thoughts greatly), relationship that carries a lot of weight way.

Transparency is hard guys. Vulnerability can be down right suicidal. Cause then family issues can wreck you. Friendships where you realize the only reason that you guys meet is because you initiate and as soon as you stop it ends, will hurt you more than they really should. Personalities are different of course, which lead to different interactions. But I think I'm a believer in lack of effort from the other person for x amount of time (where x varies with the individual and relationship) can only mean the relationship isn't as important to them (or you). I can understand the whole oh man it's been forever and still be close aspect. But close and vulnerable are different to me. I need both don't get me wrong, but there's a distinction on some level. All this means you try for relationships you value, but after some point, it's don't kill yourself by overextending. That individual is not best to be vulnerable to. That scalpel you gave them can best be used by someone else. This all sounds disgustingly self-centered as I read it. But I'm being honest with you, if I don't operate this way, I will go crazy.

All this to say, what a powerful distinction man. I never thought of it that way until my leader made the distinction. If I'm vulnerable with you it's because I trust you whole heatedly, and I will come to you for advice and in times of need. You are that lifelong relationship that I treasure. If I'm close to you, your opinion matters and if you begin to dislike me, I'll be sad, but I'll move on.

Sigh if you're offended by any of this, don't hate me. It's not in anyway directed towards targeting any individuals specifically. Just thoughts that have been mulling for a while now. I really don't have anyone that I dislike or anything. It's just I have to draw lines or watch my heart crumble into more pieces. I liken it to my car. It's been hit several times now and had some replacement parts, some visible, and some not so visible, but the damage is still there. I don't want to see it explode on me or something lol, by pushing past my human limits. Of course God gives me strength, which is why I make the effort to open my circle of vulnerability and to be more transparent. It's just hard.

One prayer request: I am tired all the time these days even if I sleep early. I thought Spring Retreat would be a good time of rest like deep soul rest, but even if I try to do that these days... it's unfruitful.